Monday, December 19, 2011

Post-School Downtime

a christmas wreath on lovely purple walls

I feel so relieved to be finished with school, to not be a student anymore that part of me is like "GAH - never want to do anything useful ever again." and part of me is like "Now that school is done, EVERYTHING else in my life must change." These changes includes hair color, career focus, maybe even my current location.

Sometimes I'm able to speak sense to myself and say, "No, it's important to keep getting up in the morning." Sometimes I manage to convince myself that I shouldn't try to change everything at once.

Sometimes, though, I get caught up in this urgency, this feeling of needing something solid, something time-consuming. I feel frantic and when nothing moves, nothing changes, I feel desperate and like I'm failing as the moments pass away.

My brother and I went testing for the last time this morning. He owned two CLEPS one right after another and I finished writing my very, very last test. Afterwards, we went out to celebrate. He got orange soda in an old fashion glass bottle and I got caffe latte with 2%. As the sun steamed through the window at Starbucks and warmed our shoulders, he turned to look at me.
                "You don't seem very excited about being finished with school forever."
                I smiled, amused but a bit perturbed at myself. "I'm happy to be done, but I'm scared because now I don't have the option of giving the wrong answer and only getting a bad grade. If I make the wrong decisions now, I can fail at life."
              I'm one of those people who often processes thoughts by speaking or writing them. I hadn't realize how truly I felt that until I said it to Stephen.

I'm scared of failing real life. There's no artificial bubble of institutions or textbooks to protect me. I have to find my purpose beyond school.

How far-reaching and ridiculous does it sound to be afraid of 'failing at life'? I'm trying to be honest. I'm trying to indulge the drama in a healthy way. So... I'm terrified. It doesn't help to see these amazing women around me who have endless energies and abilities and seemingly boundless hope and fabulousness. And I just melt into a little puddle of discouragement, thinking. "I want that so much, but I'll never be that."

So wrong. I know how wrong it is. Typing it out just makes me feel a little more how wrong it is. Now that I've indulged the drama, I will tell myself the truth.

God has made me to be just the person I am. He hasn't failed in creating my personality, my emotional capacity, my physical ability, my disposition or my particular ways of expressing myself. Yes, I am given the ability to change and grow, but I don't need to change in order to increase his love for me. (Oh, that just helped me breathe a sigh of relief.)

God is the director of my times and he is the creator of my success. Because of him, I will not fail at life. Looking back, I see how he has guided me and brought me to a safe place, to a rock that is higher, to a fortress that is untouchable. He has brought me to where I consistently feel my need of his presence. I know that the journey we've begun together will continue.

Downtime is healthy, though. I think I'll lay here on the floor for a little longer.


thankful with Ann for -

698 first study party ever with Esther
699 dressingroom confessions with the same
700 cameras, particularly digital ones with lots of megapixels
701 an exultant half hour biking in a spurt of sun in an almost entirely cloudy day
702 having a sister-in-law
703 getting a call from Daviey as he returns from the honeymoon cruise
704 an older brother who is such a great role model and example
705 Fair's Disappearing World album on repeat in my room
706 Fair's Take Some Risks on repeat in fragments in my head
707 a Jessica friend
708 an Abby friend who inspires me with her love and talent
709 Anna and her husband Aaron and their little unborn Pixie stopping by for lunch
710 discovering a blogger who loves Jesus
711 the hope that comes from believing that God is not done


  1. enjoy the have time...then move...

  2. oh, you know Ruthiey, what confidence I have in your future. There will be ups and downs, victories and failures, and a little bit of fear isn't a bad thing – you have enough faith to balance the fear – and you're right, He has brought you to this safe place, You're always a pleasure to read – keep refining that talent. You are beginning a new journey, and that journey will change a few times, but again, you know how confident I am in you. God bless you and Merry Christmas!

  3. Dude, you're not the only one afraid of failing at life. I'm utterly terrified of the future sometimes, just because I don't know what will happen. But, at the same time, God worked out me living in Oregon, working at a ski resort, and finally getting started moving on with my life. He CAN do anything. And, I also think, it's just yet another pointer that I need to trust Him (so, so many things have pointed towards that in the last year that it's kind of ridiculous that I haven't learned the lesson yet, but what can I say? Sinful here.). But, yeah. Life is freaking insane. I'm so glad that decisions have been made for now, and I have a job until spring. Then it will be decision time again. Yay. But whatever happens, I have God, and that means it will be glorious. There will be suffering and pain, but, in the end, it's all for the best and beauty will come out of it.

    Look what you just did to me. You just made me go all awesomely awesome on myself (and you). Sheesh. You're so devious. I love you! I'll be praying for your life. I'm sure something will work out. =)