Wakey-Wakeness

I have recently excavated myself from the center of the earth where I have been living. It's quite wonderful there, but I have to say, it's a little hard to keep track of time. I'll be honest. I've stepped away from a lot of things, like reading blogs and watching movies because it drains me from energy I don't feel that I have.

I was listening to a Mark Driscoll sermon and he was commenting that Jesus took time to step away and recharge and how we should do the same. He then began to list the kinds of people who are especially prone to burn-out. First thing he said was caregivers. I raised my hand on that one. Being a nursing assistant is purposeful, rewarding work, but it is exhausting. Then he said, "And some people just have small emotional buckets." And I was like, "You speakin' my language, Pastor Mark!" I honestly do not have a huge capacity to deal with ongoing drama and sometimes just life itself and seemingly small changes take a lot out of me.

Sometimes I want to wear a nametag that says, "Hello, I'm fragile. The end."

I will add to that  - recently people have not been my problem. Usually I am my own problem, so the nametag would be for my own benefit so I remember to take breaks and be deliberate. 

I know I'm partly coming back from the dead when I start writing poetry again. Here's one I wrote about boundaries, particularly in the thought life.

do you know the freedom in saying no?
the openness in a constrained state
the joy of a negative
the bliss of a not yet, but oh just you wait
yeah just you wait
I'm saying no
I'm staying here
it's eye on the prize
a slow and steadying race
wait wait wait... wait
take on the ruminations of my mind
and from others the oh how quaint
I'll abide in freedom
and say no


Oh and please know that just because I am not commenting on your blog like I used to doesn't mean you're not amazing! Yes I'm talking to you, Brian. Seriously, everyone go and read Brian's blog. Guy is a wicked-clever poet and deserves every single follower and comment he gets. 


R<3

Looking Back

(credit)

I just wanted to share some lovely links that I've come across in the past weeks. Hope you are as blessed by these amazing people and ideas as I am.

Jonathan writes about where his arms can't reach.

Chelsey thanks God for the return of a prodigal brother.

25 ways to wear a scarf!

Stephen says, "Even if you didn't choose this particular adventure, be faithful."

My brother's playful advice on how to wreak revenge using only the leaves you've raked.

Amy makes a delightful happy birthday tribute to her husband.

Sarah says, "Don't be embarrassed of you. You have been created to fumble and stumble along at times." 

How to Pray 24-7-365 - YES! I'm going to write this out and paste it all over my walls!

One Direction likes The Way You Look Tonight and I'll send that compliment right back to them. I won't hide my love for boy bands, people.

Check out the Tab feature I just added on the right! I'm going back through my posts and tagging them so you can just pick a specific topic to read and you'll find posts on that topic in my archives. It's pretty nifty.

R<3

thankful with Ann for - 

652 the gift of concentration

653 pumpkin coffee - a great-tasting paradox

654 passing along fun facts to friends

655 many fiery-fall trees - joyful orange, secretive red, pertinent yellow

656 reassurance that the waiting will be worth it
657 great new pink backpack
658 the substancial hope of Psalm 27
659 friends who will pray again again for me
660 that God is a fortress that even in my worst moments of rebellion I cannot tear down
661 a simple solution to a broken dryer
662 my sixteen year old brother praying a birthday blessing on Esther's fourteenth
663 the joy and life in Jak's eyes when she talks about cosmotology school and the challenges she's enjoying
664 substitutes

Visiting Leaves

So our dear Abbie came to visit, soon to be our very own scrumptious sister-in-law! Only fifteen days. :)

We went for a walk, to celebrate joy and fall and life and health.


















I'm going to miss seeing the ground during the winter. And seeing Daviey every week.... :(

Little leaves don't leave just yet. Stay with me until I'm ready to face the winter.

Five of my favorite people - Daviey, Abbie, Mummy, Babs and Esther.



















I wrote a poem this morning.

truth is costly

but lies cost so much more

they bite, scramble, fray you all about

they blacken, bruise and lessen

lies can seem costly, comforting, alluring

but truth is worth so much more

treasure it like diamonds

wear truth all over your heart

so lies, costly lies, have no inlet

Happy Almost-Saturday, friends!

R<3

Listening to House Of Heroes - Salt In The Sea (been chain-listening to this song allll afternoon)
I'm here until you crash into me
I'm softened by the salt in the sea
I'm alive

I Found It

i've found the one who has perspective

only He doesn't sell it -

He spills it freely

and what's more

He created it -

some just for me

shamed and grateful tears

i curl myself small

both because i do matter

and because i don't

***

I've been having quite the time with school over here, but hey guess what? God's grace is steadiness amidst my wobbling. (I just need to keep repeating that to myself.)

"What is my barrenness? It is the platform for His fruit-creating power.

What is my desolation? It is the black setting for the sapphire of His everlasting love."

"Come with the blind eye of darkened understanding: come with the limping foot of wasted energy: come with the maimed hand of weak faith, the fever of an angry temper or the ague of shivering despondency; come just as you are, for He who is God can certainly restore you."

-Spurgeon

How amazing is that last quote?! I read it late one night, exhausted and stressed and as I read, I felt my body release tension and my soul lift lighter. Thank you, God, for taking me just as I am, drama, unbelief, pride and all.

R<3

Listening to Foster The People - Pumped Up Kicks

Matters Of The Art

(credit)

As I said in my last post, I struggle to express myself creatively sometimes. Part of that is because I fold in on myself, focusing so much on having to write something brilliant, that I paralyze myself with fear. (Two articles that totally inspire me to artistic endeavors are here and here.) That being said, I find that in my most honest moments with God, I find my voice creatively and I like most the things I just say to God.

gasping struggle

pen on page

just tell me who I am

I know I've heard the words

so often before

but say them slow

and soft again for me

because I like the way

Your voice is tender on my soul

I like Your fortitude

in my wobbling

I like the way this peace

hides me like a curtain

in a place of honesty and rest

a place for God and sinner

Short post tonight, but I hope every artist who reads this takes hope. Your art matters. Even if your book doesn't become a best-seller or your pictures don't make it into a magazine, you can and will affect someone.

R<3

Listening to Keith Green - Make My Life A Prayer To You

Pick Your Spot

Ever thought about how loving people puts your heart in a really, really vulnerable place? I haven't thought about this often, but it's not called 'opening your heart' for nothing. Yesterday, someone close to me did and said something seemingly little that hurt me enormously. I had to struggle to put it into perspective and not react in my blind hurt. Because that person is so close to me, they have the ability to affect me like that. I wrote a poem about it just now.

here, here's my heart

I opened up my chest

go ahead, pick your spot

and remember it

when you tear me apart

because that staked-out

bit of my heart is

with you, for you

*********

Guest posting over at Vicki's blog today! I miss her and Erin lots! They're off on a missions trip and hopefully coming back soon. :)

Check out this amazing blog. Miss Elaini is wearing the same dress everyday for 100 days to raise money for orphans in India. She's almost done - onto her 92 day tomorrow and still needs to meet her goal. (And yes, I'm sure she washes the dress... that bothered me for a little while too :D).

R<3

Listening to OneRepublic - All This Time

(I cannot seem to get enough of this band! Aghhh, love them!) (photocredit)

Water(Fall)

(photo credit)

this day is full of water

sweat from the heat outside

dripping down my forehead,

appearing from nowhere,

coursing down my arms

but also tears from words I read,

gospel words, black and blue words,

soul-struggle words

I cry for the hardness of my heart,

cry for all the words I haven't said but should've,

for meaningless phrases I've perfected all the while

oh I need to beg

beg God

beg for healing, beg for brokenness

beg for change

I'm a begger, lower than the sand, wet with repentence

washed over with the waves of love

carried to a reef of strength

oh tears, oh waters come over me

Spirit of truth, rain down

infuse broken words with radiant spears

to conquer and complete

look down and see your wounds

see woundings you've taken

and those you've given

all while spitting at a Holy God

you are broken like a shell

smashed with sin, sucked dry by self

nothing, no search, no self-made triumph

can piece you together and hold you up

yet you strive

if you don't know God,

come see his anger

see his hot and holy wrath

like the sun

beating down on all the wrongs

you are wrong

he is sinless

he is rightly angry

if you don't know Jesus,

come to him, come crawling,

come sweat-drenched and sad,

his perfection is glad to see

a heart in true surrender

in your terror,

see the way he has made

his humanity was perfect, his death perfecting

a pathway now

that leads to God

his death took all your wrong

bore it on his burning shoulders

all death died

for he's alive

he's defied, decried sin's ruling

and in him

you can be whole once more

if you don't know Jesus

come to him

he's worth the giving-up

the letting-go

the terrifying plunge

will sink you in deeper waters

ones that lap with peace

peace with God

through Jesus Christ

this day is full of water

come, dip yourself down into it

today's the day

R<3

Escape

it's dangerous

how I strip

precarious how I dip

just one little toe

idiotic how I stay

others wear my fears away

but I should know

-this battle's been fought

true victory brought -

so why am I here?

someone greater draws near

post-battle sweat, helmet in hand

my Victor gives me this command,

'though temptation abounds, I remain

make your escape through me

crash through the curtain of my blood

there's always grace to flee*.'

it's reckless

how I strip

heedless how I dip

all of myself

perfection how I stay

as You wash all fear away

again I know

R<3

Who I Am

I am radically sinful

yet radically loved.

I am a melting, forming,

repentant, joyous,

failing, victorious

sinner saved by grace.

R<3

Stay And Worship

Apologies for being MIA lately! I got interviewed by my fabulous friend Vicki yesterday. Read it here.

Well, this is usually the point in my Sunday morning where I'd be sitting in Mosiac Class waiting for Mr. Power to start speaking on The Sovereignty of God in Sin and Suffering (yeah, it's as deep as it sounds... still can't get my mind around it) but lo and behold, other plans today. I think the little pukky sickness my sister had got passed along to me and also I kept thinking, "There's only so long you can go at a break-neck pace before something breaks." It's not a deadly sickness, praise God, and I'm thankful for extra sleep and some quiet now that everyone's gone to church.

Does anyone else ever feel pressure to be emotional about spiritual things? I went to the annual Women's conference at church this weekend. I'm feeling oddly (for me) emotionally balanced and sometimes I hear people saying something like, "Knowing Jesus and being loved by him is the most exciting thing that could ever happen to someone!" And my heart goes, "Yes, I know it and I've felt it, but is it okay that I don't feel it right now? Is it okay that I just agree without this gushing wellspring of emotion making me cry and laugh and dance?"

The drama queen in me is surprised and maybe a little miffed to find that worship is possibly without drastic outbreaks of emotion. Thinking about it made me laugh. God must chuckle a little too, when he sees all the drama I drag around with me. No matter what I'm feeling - or not feeling - he just wants me to come.

Truth being, though, the Gospel is the only thing that will make me truly grateful. I will wait for the heart-response to come again and do my best to praise God while I'm waiting.

his love is not static

it doesn't sit and wait

his love is an invader

vision, victor

he came to us

he saw

we are conquered

his prize of gold

he, the antidote,

to our love-sickness

after him, all else

is gray, shot with tedium

he is gold

the face of an Overwhelming Lover

his love cannot be static

it makes me stay and worship

R<3

thankful for -

353 healthy food that tastes amazing!

354 grace to stick with a resolution

355 fortitude because it's such a God-inspired word

356 having eleven days til my taxes are due to be filed

357 my ipod being all charged for several upcoming bike commutes

358 the way the puffy shredded clouds offer their softness to the stars in the night sky

359 the gigantic rodent that was crossing the street AWAY from our house

360 the smell of sheets dried in the sun and wind

361 sweatpants days

362 talking to Mrs. C over a caramel latte

363 the way ducks wobble when they walk very fast

Easy Isn't Easy

It's easy to be lost: tell the ones you meet you're not sure where you are,

accept pity, wander more.

It's harder to be found, to sit and wait for direction,

to read things that make you cry

capsize lies, pin down truth.

How hard to be found, but in the end, easy isn't easy.

Lost is indecision; being found is deciding, choosing,

choosing to surrender, to bow, to worship

choices that you will never regret.

God, I want to be found.

R<3

Listening to Bebo Norman - Pull Me Out

Cleaning Mirrors

to get things done I make a list

I write it down and tell myself

do this!

-list armchairs on ebay

-return Caleb's shoes

-clean mirrors

-buy a calender

then I make another list -

to convince myself to

do this first list -

scribbled on the same monogrammed paper

this one is different

it tells me who I am

-Loved

-Delivered

-Strengthened

I write one more thing

not a list

just a name

because I can do these things

because of him

and through Him

and to Him*

Jesus

R<3

Listening to Sam Tsui and Christina Grimmie - Just A Dream (Cover)

325 being able to nap for two hours

326 that the Most High always surrounds his Beloved

327 hugging a new bride

328 texting my awesome brutha Bubba while he's away in Georgia

329 things I don't understand but they're in His hand

330 my amazing aunties Evey, Connie, Gracie and Mary in Canada, some of whom read my blog - love you all!

331 endless seas of peach clouds

More Than Just Deliverance

Israel was a rebel people with flint-hard hearts,

God's people ignoring his will

when enemies came and brought sweat and blood, discomfort

they'd turn, suddenly helpless children,

to their patient Keeper.

He'd give rest and in their rest

they'd return to evil and former ignorance.

Ever faithful, He'd save them but did He delight in them?

I doubt it.

I want a heart that longs for more than just deliverance

one that aches to do His will.

It feels like an impossible thing to have,

wrestling this heart into submission

is an effort that I can't sustain.

cleanse me, create me anew

give me a spirit that is true

please don't send me away

but let your Spirit stay

my sacrifice in part

will be a broken heart

and from the ashes I will rise;

a contrite spirit you will not despise*

R<3

Listening to Enya - One By One

What It's Not About

eyelash suspended on a computer screen

still on the couch, unable to fit my mind around

everything still on the list

and the list, the list paralyzes -

not benign

nearing volatile -

this is not about me

but the intersection of life

just got plugged with the traffic

of confusion and despair

Traffic Director, I need you.

listening again and again

to a singer and his song

trying to negate the lies

with a taser of truth

R<3

Listening to Tenth Avenue North - You Are More

::this is not about what you've done - but what's been done for you,

this is not about where you've been - but where your brokenness brings you to,

this is not about what you feel, but what he felt to forgive you,

what he felt to make you loved::

Beautiful Everyday

like a bride
putting on her make-up
stepping into her dress
arranging her hair
like a bride
You make me beautiful everyday
give my face gladness*
clothe me in the joy of my salvation*
set my heart on things above*
like a bride
I'm Your bride

R<3

Listening to Lisa Kelly - May It Be

284 successful shopping ventures

285 7-UP to make sick tummies feel better

286 sick siblings coming back to life

287 the luscious sparkling curve of a snowbank

288 encouraging writers

289 writing about people in the coffee shop with Jak

290 Beatrix Potter

291 the immune system

292 hunting down the dust bunnies and old birthday cards from under my bed

293 eating with a spork

294 a warm drink on a sore throat

295 the night sky streaked with creamy gray clouds

All In Fear Of Falling

second coffee on a gray Georgia morning

standing at the foot of a great mystery
fresh from scribbling in a bible study book
about the man after God's own heart*
and the look, the asking
the taking and the baby-making
when he became a father
when he became a murderer

how did he, once close to God,
break six commandments all at once
how did love turn to indifference
devotion to rebellion
and could my own heart
so full of words and prayers and phrases
dissipate like that

does that mean we're all in fear of falling
jumping, running
from the Truth we all now know
does that mean Kempton, Nick or Bebo,
men who follow after God,
might lean away, lose the fight
(not the battle, just the fight)
everyday my pastor prays
and I join in brokenly,
crying from a desperate place

Father God, please keep me faithful
keep me walking in your way
R<3

Listening to Kristian Stanfill - You Will Always Be

You Get Me Early

Father God, you get me early

when the sky is dark and the day's busyness has only begun to stir,

early

with my good-morning hair and sleepy eyes,

early

when I can feel my soul's dry and cracked,

needing a refreshing of faith*,

early

because your mercies are new every morning*

and I don't want to miss even one.

R<3

Listening to Newsboys - I Would Give Everything

(Also, this is my three hundredth post!)

A Wisecracking Daze

The ability to feel comes as a blessing and a curse. You cannot be blessed without being cursed. To feel is to throw your furiously beating heart open for the world to see. To feel is to be rejected, to be thrown out into a heap of kitchen dust, remnants of what has been swept off the floors, a heap of useless nothing. To feel is to be applauded, by an audience who hears what they want and calls for you to hear them. To feel is to be exhausted, worn out, to keep running even when you're all alone, to pant and slow, gasp and speed on. To feel is to rub the darling buds of May against your cheek, feel the softness. To feel is to die, a death of dreams and imaginations, of darkening expectations. To feel is to be found, finding quiet love in a deep soft chair and serenades. To feel is to know, the depth of knowledge and wisdom, the art of foolishness and trance of beauty. To feel is a beginning, hurtling, chortling in a wisecracking daze towards the end, an inevitable end. We feel. I feel.

R<3

Listening to House Of Heroes - By Your Side

linking to (imperfect prose)