I feel like I've lost so much security, almost like I've misplaced the ground beneath my feet. I feel like so much of who and what I love is far away and the distance sprains my capacity to love, but I must try and so I do. It's painful, but what choice do I have?
Disconnecting was a big reason that this trip was planned, but disconnection is a terrifying thing. Surroundings and community are something that function as support beams for so many aspects of identity. Who am I, I wonder, without my small group, my church, my bosses at work, my residents, without most of my family? Who am I when I'm jumping around, sleeping in a different bed almost every night, shopping at different stores for odd cobbled-together meals cooked in a different type of pan in a huge variety of kitchens? Who am I?
I guess this is a good thing. Sometimes I lean too heavily on my framework around me and completely miss changes I could make and opportunities that I have to stand up on my own to take.
But I feel like this distance is killing me. I feel like I subsist from email to email, on bits of information from my friends and family and we relay prayer requests in short format, like telegraphs.
Please pray that I will... Stop. God is with you! Stop. Miss you and am praying. Stop.
Gosh, I sound sarcastic. This is really just unprocessed junk I'm spilling. I don't even know what I need. I feel like I'm calling out, "Someone? Anyone?" I know I need to be like the blind beggars, calling persistently, "Jesus, Son of David! Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on us!"* When he stops to look at me, his eyes compassionate and full of strength, "What do you want me to do for you?"
Lord, I want my eyes to be opened! Open them to your glory, your mercy, your ability to completely satisfy me, to fill me with joy, to turn me from my self-centeredness to be full of your glory. I know you can do it. Please do.
I think I'm going to try to talk with my mum on google hangout. That might help with all this.