Wednesday, March 20, 2013


Is this what homesickness feels like? I'm sorry, I'm going to have to plead prior ignorance. I don't think I've ever been homesick before (sorry mum, I do love you).

I feel like I've lost so much security, almost like I've misplaced the ground beneath my feet. I feel like so much of who and what I love is far away and the distance sprains my capacity to love, but I must try and so I do. It's painful, but what choice do I have?

Disconnecting was a big reason that this trip was planned, but disconnection is a terrifying thing. Surroundings and community are something that function as support beams for so many aspects of identity. Who am I, I wonder, without my small group, my church, my bosses at work, my residents, without most of my family? Who am I when I'm jumping around, sleeping in a different bed almost every night, shopping at different stores for odd cobbled-together meals cooked in a different type of pan in a huge variety of kitchens? Who am I?

I guess this is a good thing. Sometimes I lean too heavily on my framework around me and completely miss changes I could make and opportunities that I have to stand up on my own to take.

But I feel like this distance is killing me. I feel like I subsist from email to email, on bits of information from my friends and family and we relay prayer requests in short format, like telegraphs. 

Please pray that I will... Stop. God is with you! Stop. Miss you and am praying. Stop.

Gosh, I sound sarcastic. This is really just unprocessed junk I'm spilling. I don't even know what I need. I feel like I'm calling out, "Someone? Anyone?" I know I need to be like the blind beggars, calling persistently, "Jesus, Son of David! Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on us!"* When he stops to look at me, his eyes compassionate and full of strength, "What do you want me to do for you?"

Lord, I want my eyes to be opened! Open them to your glory, your mercy, your ability to completely satisfy me, to fill me with joy, to turn me from my self-centeredness to be full of your glory. I know you can do it. Please do. 

I think I'm going to try to talk with my mum on google hangout. That might help with all this.


  1. I love love love this. I love that you are asking all these questions and going through all these emotions. So true, right? We leave to experience something new, but almost always that "something new" isn't what we thought it'd be...maybe even what we'd want it to be.

    There you are, across the Atlantic, getting to experience what few do...and let me tell you that it's OK to be homesick. It doesn't make this trip a failure at all... in fact, I think it shows two super important things about community: 1) We need it, and 2) We have to trust Jesus first.

    Yes, find who you are without those people and spheres. God made you different from them for a purpose. But don't forget that you need the Body all the same.
    Yes, break away for a bit! But fall back on Christ, not on the identity that people and our circles of influence place on us. You are you because Christ has made you like that! :))

    It's a big world. It's God's world. I think He delights that you are getting to experience a different part of what He has so wonderfully created!!!!


    1. Thank you for this encouragement, Tasia! You have no idea what it means to me to hear this from you. <3

  2. Oh, sweet Ruthiey - I also love what Tasia said... I am not so eloquent with words, but I will pray for you (and Hannah too!)
    Love, Auntie Connie xoxo

  3. Yeesh. I just... Wow. Yeah. I know what you're saying. I feel it. We're all just lost (which we will be, at least a little, until heaven) and sometimes (usually... XP) we (I!) rely on the wrong things for belonging. I'm kind of thinking I need to do some wild uprooting in my life to try to fight off the urge to rely on the wrong things. I'm so so so so proud of you for doing this. And continuing to do it. And being honest. Vulnerable. It's beautiful to see. Thank you. :) And I am praying. :)