Monday, January 24, 2011

My [Double-Sided] Heart

When God made me, he gave me a sensitive heart which doubles as a burden and a blessing. The blessing is that I have the ability to cry with those who cry and to sympathize easily. I can enter into others sorrows and pains and it's easy for me to accept people for who they are.

On the burdened side of things, my sensitivity leads to an overwhelming fear of failing people, a tendency to depression when I feel like I have failed and guilt when I know I've failed someone. I have an intensely hard time handling criticism and will often discourage myself creatively.

As a little girl, I was petrified of big dogs, black beetles and strangers, to mention just a few things. Now at nineteen, I've moved past those fears and I'm right in the thick of grown-up fears. When I see grown-ups in my life struggling with the things I fear, it makes me feel that I will become everything I fear I'll become.

I'm in the throes of a couple fears seemingly coming true and it's breaking my heart. I am tired, all in pieces and hyper-emotional. Seriously, every emotion I've been experiencing - anger, sadness, happiness - is amplified by about 40%. Oh, it's loads of fun trying to keep up with me.

In the midst of this, I have this hope - sometimes, it's the only thing that keeps me going - God will not be dissuaded from his purpose. And he promises that when he starts a good work in one of his beloved children, he will finish it.

When I am failing, when I can't seem to change a thing and my weakness is all I can see, God binds up the broken-hearted. He holds me together and in his love, I can take another step of faith. I'm broken, but I will heal.


Listening to Tommy Walker - I Have A Hope

1 comment:

  1. Oh, crap. I lost the comment I was trying to post. Stupid handicapped thing...

    Anyways, I said that I'm a lot like that too. It's helpful and good sometimes, but can be really annoying, too. XD Ah well.