Thursday, April 9, 2009

Welcome Aboard


Thank you for flying with Mahoney Airlines. Now would be a good time to stash those smuggled smoothies underneath your seat. I'm going to over a few standard rules and regulations for flying with us.

1) Don't stand up. We're flying extremely fast and cannot stop in the case of an unfastened passenger. The passenger will not be rescued, re-seated, resuscitated in the case of asphyxiation and Mohaney airlines will not pay medical insurance. We will do our best to keep flying in a straight line, however, so the stray passenger may safely attempt to regain their seat.

2) For those toting infants, please be advised. There are avocados in the back.

3) Absolutely Prohibited Material includes: (Please read carefully. Use spectacles if possible.)

Possibly poisonous and/or explosive lipstick.
Packages from or to Pakistan
Partly eaten food
Cattle Prods

Mostly Prohibited Material includes:

Realistic Replicas of Explosives
Rats or other live rodent-like pets
Flammable Paint

Perfectly Acceptable Material includes:

Innocent Fruit
Anything not mentioned in the above two lists, but please note that: Any sharp objects in checked baggage should be sheathed or securely wrapped to prevent accidental murder.

If you have realized, to your consternation, that you HAVE brought a Prohibited Material, feel free to chuck it out a convenient side window while we're are still below 10,000 feet.

4) Be sure to ask before placing feet/bags on top of or sleeping on fellow passengers. We want to keep this ride as fun and safe as possible.

5) Please let it be noted that our pilot, Laurence, suffers from a severe adjustment disorder. He has a hard time with altitudes and occasionally with bad attitudes. His most common are depressed moods, anxiety, worry (or a mixture of these), a feeling of inability to cope, plan ahead, or continue in the present situation, and some degree of disability in the performance of daily routine. He has commented that he feels liable to dramatic behaviour or outbursts of violence, but these rarely occur. He often regresses to thumb-sucking, whining and binging on raspberries, but has proven successful at continued safe flying while in the midst of his regressive phenomena.

Thank you for flying with Mahaney Airlines. We appreciate your patronage. (Tell your father to come next time.)


  1. that fruit doesn't look particularly innocent. Look at all of the potential for evil and hidden micro-bombs inside its seed sacs!
    I think Laurence need KH therapy. ;) it makes everyone feel so much better about everything.
    thanks for posting. :)

  2. Beautiful! Made my morning.

  3. I read it without my specs, but... if I can't bring my guinea pig, my model dynamite stick made out of a toilet-paper tube and confetti, and at least two pairs of nunchaku, I'm afraid I won't be flying with you. The only thing that might make me reconsider is the avocadoes. Peanuts? Why are peanuts innocent? Is that why they always serve them on planes?

    Watch this.

  4. Haha!! That was hilariously great!! I love it! Yay! (can't see the pics right now, though. =()

  5. Nice, Wait do u write those for the airlines? :)