color my life with love

Dear Lee Pace

2012-01-23T19:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Lee Pace,

I'm trying so hard not to be a fan-girl here, but you are seriously under-appreciated. Your movie The Fall is my very favorite and you bring an incredible presence to every movie/show you do. However, directors are failing to notice you. You have so few good movies! I just watched a horror movie because you were in it and you not only had only fifteen minutes of screen time, but in the end you died. Seriously?

Maybe now that you've been a part of the Twilight series as Garrett the vampire and you're going to be Elven King Thranduil in the Hobbit, your star will rise. I sure hope so. Until then, I'll just watch The Fall. Because it is the best movie in the world.

R<3

Listening to Poets Of The Fall - Dawn (The Fall) (This is a brief recap of the movie.)

Tribute To Nearness

2012-01-18T20:21:00.000-08:00

This is my tribute, my thanksgiving song for a God who is wise, wonderful and close. I am an unskilled conductor who cannot line up words and make them sing. So I tell you what happens, movement and language to try to frame in stories my incredible Savior. Do you see? I hope you do.

This morning, I wrote, I told Mum and Daddio that I feel depressed. It's true. My energy is sapped away just by the most basic living and emotions. Please Father, come hold me, shush my frantic mind and give me peace which passes all understanding.

Biking to work, I started crying. So many things overwhelmed me that I didn't even worry that my tears would freeze in the icy wind. I can't do this alone. I can't go to work. I can't be me. I can't function today. Please God, please come and be near. Be near, like stand right next to me - or better yet behind me because I'm falling. I've fallen. I need you.

I picked a little diamond chip of a verse and wrapped my soul around it - "But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge that I may tell of all your works."*

Somehow, a miracle given to a thirsty daughter, I received hope. It was hope that sustained my day, that let me smile and even laugh and keep doing the things I needed to do, even bringing a surprise oasis of joy.
Later, I sang a song and my soul dwelt amazed on this line. It was truth, from a place I'd known.

He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call

That morning, I came tumbling, sobbing, wretched, complicated, dragging remnants of rebellion and unbelief, unable to cope. I found a Father, calling me his own, never leaving me alone. He is near. Do you see? Oh, I hope you do.

R<3

A Magical Arizona Adventure

2012-01-16T18:25:00.000-08:00

Part of me feels as if I could never sum up how much Arizona and my magical friends mean to me. The other part says, well, you have pictures - you might as well try. If that's not logical, I don't know what is.

This is me traveling to see Vicki and Erin. If you're extraordinarily observant, you'll notice this is a car, not a plane. I did fly, but I didn't take a picture on the plane.

Arizona has so many palm trees. I don't think I've ever seen palm trees up close before. These seven were peering down at me as I lay on the rocks.

Oh the land of hills and mountains and rocks. Lots and lots of rocks. And dryness. Much dryness is involved in experiencing Arizona because they have deserts there. I'm sorry, you didn't know that? Well now you do.

And the moon! Wow, the moon. Everything is so open and vast in Arizona. I feel like I could see for miles and even heaven felt a little closer to earth.

So here begins the picture journey of an adventure the three of us had. First, to begin the craziness appropriately, I used Elmer's glue to spike Vicki's hair. Yep, you heard me right. Then she dressed like a punk and was all scary.

Erin and I pretended to be Nancy Drew and Bess. I think I would be Nancy's sidekick Bess because I look terrified and shocked while Erin looks crafty and curious.

To disguise ourselves amidst the detecting, we moonlighted as a photographer and her model taking senior portraits. All these picture credits go to my dearest Vicki.

To further confuse anyone tracking us, we also pretended to be art critics.

Then Vicki ate the gargoyle and we had to leave.

My next disguise was pretending to be a perfume bottle. Everyone was fooled. By then we had lost our trackers, so we turned to more urgent matters.

Namely, Herb and his dog Ruffles. I successfully charmed information out of the friendly old man and his willing canine friend. He told us everything we needed to know.

Then Erin rode a wild horse to go report that we solved the case.

To celebrate, we had froyo. Oh yes we did. We went there. I am still dreaming about that coconut and strawberry froyo with chocolate teddy grahams in it. Oh yes.

Erin was pleased, but unsurprised at her successful case solving abilities.

While I was more than delighted and used my fame as a detective to break into the froyo modeling business. Cheers! The end.

R<3

The Freedom Of The Clouds

2012-01-11T09:12:00.000-08:00

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(Recently, I flew to see my magical friends Vicki and Erin in Arizona. I wrote this bit on the way back.)

The service above the mountains is sketchy and there's dust on my laptop screen. A determined-looking Asian woman marches down the aisle with Isaac the flight attendant smiling amusedly behind her. Another Asian woman in velvet followed close behind.

This flight crew is intent upon having fun. The pilot reminds the passengers to, "Turn off their beloved cell-u-lar devices, that means iAnything and any and all sorts, sizes and colors of Berries." The flight attendants race to beat their time serving drinks and call me little miss. When I order Mother Parker's tea, Isaac asks whether a 'little sugar' is one packet or five. I can't help but grin.

I always feel that I must make great use of my time on airplanes, like it's a limited time for me to create a blueprint for my life and to lay out anxiety-riddled thoughts. Unable to begin either epic venture, I save an article about Ireland that Jak would like and compose a Tweet. I take pictures of the drapey wrinkled mountains below and wonder if these are the Rockies and bemoan my lack of geographical knowledge.

I feel a great sadness within me. I cannot languish long for fear of drowning. I tag it vaguely to giving up on writing fiction or maybe my vow to keep my jello-wobbly heart on track. I breath in and look out the window. Even though it makes it awkward to get to the lavatory, it is worth sitting by the window. The freedom of the clouds amazes me.

R<3

linking with imperfect prose

(Yes, I joined Twitter! Come find me - I'd love to read your tweets!)

Walking The Valley

2012-01-08T16:06:00.000-08:00

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When I was little, I imagined that the valley of the shadow of death (in Psalm 23) to be like walking along a cliff edge in the pitch dark being blown by a strong, freezing wind. I would imagine hearing dogs running at me and monsters making sounds in the dark.

Now, when I think about it, it seems like the valley of the shadow of death would be more like a cramped isolated box made hot by my body heat. In this society, we do not face much persecution and when we are despairing and desolate it is usually because we are wrapped up in ourselves and our own agenda. When we aren't seeking God's face, that's when things really start to go wrong. We lose track of how and why and it all goes wrong.

One thing I love about Jesus is his steadiness. Even when I go through the valley of the shadow of death, he remains the same. I wobble blindly and feel trapped in my own tiny world, but he waits, he seeks, he comes and rescues me and brings me out into his beautiful openness. Oh Jesus, I love you.

R<3

Un-apology

2012-01-07T16:37:00.000-08:00

The longer I go between posts, the more I feel like I have to post a huge apology or an epicly great post to make up for my absence. Then I look around at all the information online and I'm okay. :) So here. I'm posting.

This morning I had coffee with the ever wonderful Tasia and we talked about hope. Searching for and holding onto hope is sometimes so exhausting, but if you follow your instinct and just give into despair, that will be more disappointing in the long run.

Now, with that, I'm going to go dig into the Jamie Oliver cookbook I just got from the library. Yum.

Oh my friend Courtney just went to France for a five-month study abroad! Check this out!

R<3

Listening to Asian Baby - Bad Lip Reading (with Justin Bieber)
Hey Vicki, "but I made eyes at her friend, yeah stupid me."

How A Babs Becomes Older As Well

2011-12-28T19:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Babs,

Today, you became a day older than you were yesterday. Yesterday you were eleven and now my little baby sister is twelve years old. I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for some things I love about you. Thanks for being a reliable fish-face maker. Thanks for sharing your love of stories and for giving great hugs and fashion advice and hair style ideas. Thanks for answering to Babs, Babsie, Babsicle and any other nickname I think to call you. Thanks for all the joy and smiles you've brought into our family! I love you so much!

R<3

What I Did On My Twentieth Birthday

2011-12-23T20:12:00.000-08:00

I keep forgetting to tell you about my twentieth birthday! It was on the 14th of December. It was a great day that didn't have much celebration, but lots of joy and accomplishments.

A birthday outfit! New skirt, my favorite green bomber jacket, boots = all set.

It was a misty gray morning and I went off for a study paaarty with my brother and his matching jacket!

Love this kid - oh and by the way, he TOTALLY owned both tests he was studying for. Just saying. Look at that furrowed brow. Kid's got it going on.

Milky earl gray accompanied the concentrated writing I was doing. I had the main body of final papers to write for two classes as my goal and I knew it would take lots of coffee and tea to get me there.

Heading home, I kept writing at the kitchen table. This was at about four o'clock. Surrounded by empty coffee mugs, chocolate truffles, birthday cards from my loving grandmother and auntie and my Oma and my cellphone to keep contact with the outside world, I kept typing. By God's grace and a desperate (successful) attempt to refocus, I managed to finish both papers!

I managed to catch this handsome brother on camera as my celebratory mood overflowed. Hey Andrew!

Was serenaded by these lovely and amazing people. (caught them a bit unawares in this pic :)

My main birthday present was a book - thanks Mum! I'm halfway through it already and it's good. I want to explain why I got so few presents. This is due to my impatience and ability to manipulate situations. Two other presents that I got were my reusable mug, (pictured above next to the real mugs) and Love and Glamour perfume by J'Lo. I love this stuff and got it like six months ago because I told Mum it was on sale and then once she bought it, I convinced her I needed it right away. So, got that one about six months early. :) Hehe.

All in all, it was a very pleasant and satisfying day. Now I'm twenty! And yes, I have to update my 'About Me' and my profile. I will get around to it.

I'm hanging out with Jak all day tomorrow. So excited!

R<3

Listening to FolkAngel - God With Us (I heard this and got chills all over my arms. Wow.)

On the edge of where excitement and containment meet

They waited

Like a child watches out the window for their father to return from work—they waited

Like a groom stares at the double doors at the back of the church—they waited

And in their waiting, they had hope

Hope that was fully pledged to a God they had not see

Tasty Jamie Oliver

2011-12-22T19:40:00.000-08:00

I've been sitting here all evening fascinated and watching clip after clip of chef Jamie Oliver. His vocabulary - wazz, squidgy, feel-up, happy days! -and his sheer skill with food coupled with his obvious love for it - calling chocolate sauce a good 'un and a calzone baby - just delights me. If you want to watch some amazing (read: makes you hungry) food creations, start this one at 3:03 and watch Jamie make a huge Quattro Gusti Rome-style pizza. In this one, he makes fresh pasta from scratch in like five minutes and then take a gander at this ridiculously amazing hot rice pudding with fresh strawberry jam.

Honestly? So cool. Even if you don't like cooking, just watch. This is a master at work.

R<

Post-School Downtime

2011-12-19T19:07:00.000-08:00

a christmas wreath on lovely purple walls

I feel so relieved to be finished with school, to not be a student anymore that part of me is like "GAH - never want to do anything useful ever again." and part of me is like "Now that school is done, EVERYTHING else in my life must change." These changes includes hair color, career focus, maybe even my current location.

Sometimes I'm able to speak sense to myself and say, "No, it's important to keep getting up in the morning." Sometimes I manage to convince myself that I shouldn't try to change everything at once.

Sometimes, though, I get caught up in this urgency, this feeling of needing something solid, something time-consuming. I feel frantic and when nothing moves, nothing changes, I feel desperate and like I'm failing as the moments pass away.

My brother and I went testing for the last time this morning. He owned two CLEPS one right after another and I finished writing my very, very last test. Afterwards, we went out to celebrate. He got orange soda in an old fashion glass bottle and I got caffe latte with 2%. As the sun steamed through the window at Starbucks and warmed our shoulders, he turned to look at me.
   "You don't seem very excited about being finished with school forever."
   I smiled, amused but a bit perturbed at myself. "I'm happy to be done, but I'm scared because now I don't have the option of giving the wrong answer and only getting a bad grade. If I make the wrong decisions now, I can fail at life."
   I'm one of those people who often processes thoughts by speaking or writing them. I hadn't realize how truly I felt that until I said it to Stephen.

I'm scared of failing real life. There's no artificial bubble of institutions or textbooks to protect me. I have to find my purpose beyond school.

How far-reaching and ridiculous does it sound to be afraid of 'failing at life'? I'm trying to be honest. I'm trying to indulge the drama in a healthy way. So... I'm terrified. It doesn't help to see these amazing women around me who have endless energies and abilities and seemingly boundless hope and fabulousness. And I just melt into a little puddle of discouragement, thinking. "I want that so much, but I'll never be that."

So wrong. I know how wrong it is. Typing it out just makes me feel a little more how wrong it is. Now that I've indulged the drama, I will tell myself the truth.

God has made me to be just the person I am. He hasn't failed in creating my personality, my emotional capacity, my physical ability, my disposition or my particular ways of expressing myself. Yes, I am given the ability to change and grow, but I don't need to change in order to increase his love for me. (Oh, that just helped me breathe a sigh of relief.)

God is the director of my times and he is the creator of my success. Because of him, I will not fail at life. Looking back, I see how he has guided me and brought me to a safe place, to a rock that is higher, to a fortress that is untouchable. He has brought me to where I consistently feel my need of his presence. I know that the journey we've begun together will continue.

Downtime is healthy, though. I think I'll lay here on the floor for a little longer.

R<3

thankful with Ann for -

698 first study party ever with Esther

699 dressingroom confessions with the same

700 cameras, particularly digital ones with lots of megapixels

701 an exultant half hour biking in a spurt of sun in an almost entirely cloudy day

702 having a sister-in-law

703 getting a call from Daviey as he returns from the honeymoon cruise

704 an older brother who is such a great role model and example

705 Fair's Disappearing World album on repeat in my room

706 Fair's Take Some Risks on repeat in fragments in my head

707 a Jessica friend

708 an Abby friend who inspires me with her love and talent

709 Anna and her husband Aaron and their little unborn Pixie stopping by for lunch

710 discovering a blogger who loves Jesus

711 the hope that comes from believing that God is not done

Drama Daze

2011-12-12T19:36:00.000-08:00

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Okay, I'll admit it. I'm a drama queen. There's something dreadfully exciting and addicting about creating situations in my head and imagining that everything hinges on a single event. I go through my share of adrenaline.

It comes with costs, though. Sometimes the drama in my head blows situations with friends and aquaintances into something bigger than a hot air balloon. Sometimes it makes me believe things that would seem ridiculous if I could keep my feet on the ground. I've been learning to choose what drama I invest in. Hard lesson, let me tell you.

Despite mishaps, there are some things positive about drama. First thing, there really is a life-and-death, cement and grass world full of tearing and breakage. My awareness of drama is not unrealistic. Drama exists. People get sick. People need healing and restoration with God.

I'm thankful for drama because when it makes me feel like I'm on the razor-edge of something terrible, like I'm teetering on the cliff of forever-nothingness and then... then, I find God. He totally gets me and my drama. He feels huge emotions too, sweepingly strong love, desperately black hatred - what's more, he created those emotions. I can come falling and crawling and crying, full of drama and he can handle it. He listens and I once again find him to be everything I need him to be.

One of my favorite dramatic musician friends is Bebo Norman. One of his songs is called Can't Live Without You.

You found me here
I'm barely breathing
You picked me up
But I'm still wanting more

You're the ocean deep
I'm in up to my knees
Wanting desperately to drown
You're the one bright part
Of my languid heart
You're the love I cannot live without
I can't live without

I can't live without you
Can you hold on, because you hold everything

Sounds like drama, but it's all true. This kind of drama, this acute knowing how much I need God, this desperation - this is the kind of drama I need all day long.

R<3

Coming Soon: Real Life

2011-12-09T09:14:00.001-08:00

Soundtrack of the moment:
Christina Perri - A Thousand Years
Arvo Part "Speigel Im Speigel" (recommended by Vicki)
Dave Days - Rocketeer

What can I say - I'm diversifying.

Common Eats:
baby dill pickles
cheesesticks
broccoli with lots of black pepper (Anyone ever tried white pepper? It's supposed to be a less intense version of black pepper but it smells and tastes like barf.)

Mood:
I'm nervous/relieved when I think about school ending, feeling peaceful and mellow mostly and then tiiiiired all the time.

Thoughts:
In my class on Sundays, we've been going through the book of Proverbs. Sum of the book: fear the Lord. Learning the fear of the Lord is hard because we all think we know what's going down and how life, the universe and everything should be. We wouldn't say that probably, but we act like it. So humility is the answer to learning to fear the Lord.

In the mornings lately, I've been praying this, "God, clue me into how proud and ignorant I am. With that as a starting point, I can begin to seek your wisdom."

Prayers for humility should come with prayers for courage. Getting glimpses of your own depravity is not for the faint of heart. It's devastating if you don't have God.

Announcement:
Today is my Daddio's birthday! I love you, Daddio. You are such an amazing man of God. I respect your faithfulness and compassion so much. Thanks for working so hard for your family. <3

That's all, friends. I'm sorry to be so behind on reading/commenting on all your blogs! I promise I will get caught up soon!

R<3

Just a Phase

2011-12-03T17:00:00.001-08:00

I've been sucked into the vortext of school-is-thirteen-days-away-from-being-over-forever. It consumes me completely, but it's a peaceful consumption, like being sucked into a silent bog. It's paradoxically hilarious that I'm finally getting the idea of focus and intentionality in school at the end of it all. I'm enjoying it though. I hope you will grant me this time of unfocus on the bloggie. :)

R<3

How I Am Happy

2011-11-28T18:54:00.001-08:00

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Tonight, I'm thankful with Ann for -

677 a friend who will ask how I am first and listen even when she's had a bad day

678 Carter, my self-healing iPod

679 a house full of godly women blessing our dear pregnant Amy

680 the snap of a flag in the wind

681 Stephen ordering at drive-through in an old woman's voice

682 giving and getting

683 scripture reading assignments by text message (you know who you are)

684 little deaths to self everyday

685 to uphold his name, his promise and the desire of his heart, God rescues me

686 victory is inevitable

687 glory comes from a crushed seed that's put into the ground

688 hard situations does not equal joyless situations

689 advanced warning

690 a deep green, brandied pear candle

691 hope despite everything

692 roadtripping with Jak and Stephen to David and Abbie's

693 Abbie's ringtone being 'Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

694 unlimitedly long naps on Sunday

695 any of Louie Giglio's talks, especially How Great Is Our God

696 walking slower down the hall at church so I have more time to talk with my sister

697 that Jak is a spiritual sister as well as a bloodforrealz one

R<3

Listening to Bebo Norman - Long Way Home

when we dream this dream for the last time we'll see

that we lived this love for a lifetime... just you and me

'cause you and I, we're going to fly the long way home

Tidbits

2011-11-27T15:41:00.001-08:00

It's 6:47pm on a Sunday night and I feel a bit at a loss of what to say. Honestly.

I like this.
I'm taking this.
I want to eat this.
I made these.
This reminded me of my brothers and made me smile so big.

You're welcome for this tidbit. Sometimes I have trouble organizing the head in my words. You know how it is. Oh and just for fun, here are my toppest posts.

Channing Tatum Quote (478 views)
My Converse Story - Part Four (768 views)
"Honey-Comb Carob... and Tea." (1,928 views)

How's your night? Or morning? What are you reading/watching/doing/listening to? Talk to me.

R<3

...Let Not Man Separate

2011-11-25T18:22:00.001-08:00

So here's the long-awaited picture run-down of the events of November 19th, 2011 which resulted in my oldest brother David becoming a married man and me gaining a sister!

The handsome groom waiting on the stairs for his bride.

My beautiful, amazing now sister-in-love (as my Grandma likes to say), Abbie getting ready for the First Look. Her sister Marnie was helping.

This series of pictures is so precious. I was trying not to cry as I watched my brother watch his bride in all her loveliness coming down the stairs to him.

It was the first time he'd seen the dress.

Before the rehearsal the day before, I overheard him telling her, "I'm so excited to pretend marry you tonight..."

"...And marry you for real the next day."

We went to the church to take couple pictures - David couldn't get enough of his beautiful bride.

"Just a couple hours before it's official!"

Abbie's talented brother Chase took pictures too, so I didn't stress too much about pictures. I took a lot of pictures and sorted out a couple that turned out well.

Love this one - the lighting, how close and tender it is.

"Please marry me!?" Oh the drama! Will she or won't she? This picture gives you a taste of how they love to tease.

I really like both of their rings. Both are simple and beautiful. And durable, which is good because they're going to be wearing them for a long time. :)

It's the beginning of forever, people. It's just the start. I look forward to seeing them even more in love than they are right now! It's hard to imagine. :)

Bridesmaids! From the left, Shauna, Dodie (Abbie's oldest sister), Bride Abbie, Marnie (Abbie's second oldest sister) and JAK! Don't you love Jak's make-up? She's gorgeous.

I'm not sure if I've told this story before, but Jak is actually the matchmaker for David and Abbie. When she went to Summit Ministries in 2009, she met Abbie. Later, they saw each other again and Jak told her she should meet David. David and Abbie started talking on Facebook and eventually the texting grew nonstop and it was all settled out. So yeah, Jak definitely belonged in the bridal party. :)

Fear the Brotherhood! From the left: Micah, Ryan, David, Joseph (best man, obvs) and Zack. All these guys are terrific and make me smile. I'm glad my brother has such amazing friends and that they could all make it to the wedding.

The whole bridal party! Sorry about the lighting on this one. It's not the best, but hey, they all look happy! :)

Abbie's family. From left: Marnie, Dodie, Cade, Abbie, David, Chase, Mrs., Cramer and Mr.

Our family! From left: Ruthiey, Esther, Andrew, Daddio, Babs, Mum, David, Abbie, Stephen, Jak and Joseph. Now we have a family picture for the Christmas letter! ...if we get around to sending it. :D

The long-awaited ceremony gets underway!

Pastor Sam praying for the couple.

Kissing the bride! :)

"We did it! I can't believe we're married!"

Cakeeeee

"Quick, eat cake!" *lacking cute quotes*

Run away, run away fast! After a short and sweet reception, the bride and groom slipped away. Both families were exhausted but thrilled. Yay!

Hi and I love you, family in Canada! Sorry, you weren't here, but I hope you enjoyed the pictures.

R<3

What God Has Joined Together...

2011-11-22T09:51:00.001-08:00

I guess I forgot to warn you I'd be out of town for my brother's wedding, thus the lack of postage.

Well, they're married. And absolutely thrilled. And in the Bahamas as I type. I'll post more pictures later.

Unfortunately I continue to be swallowed up by school, but in three weeks, I will graduate! I'm planning a cutesy little joint birthday/graduation dinner celebration with some good friends. I'm very excited!

R<3

Gentle

2011-11-15T19:11:00.001-08:00

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As I bike to work, a car speeds up, skips the stop sign and makes me pull on the brakes. I fight a rising sense of injustice.

They had no right! It was my turn to go.

At work, I'm informed of a coworker who's been bad-mouthing everyone, including me. How this coworker has been boasting about putting me in my place, even as I'm trying to become a fair and kind housemanager.

She has no right. She should treat people with more respect.

Somehow in God's grace, I pause.

‎I have no rights at all, except my right as a child of God. And within that right, is every reason to be forgiving, gentle and kind.

Because of who God is, I can remain open and vulnerable even when there is injustice and cruelty in the world. Because I've been forgiven, I can forgive.

R<3

thankful with Ann for -

665 a mum who knows how to cure plugged ears

666 little sisters who volunteer to lug my backpack

667 Stephen's hilarious rendition of Viva La Vida

668 corridors of leaves, grass and trees, hallowed by a holy wind

669 God's presence in my room

670 protection from Satan

671 running under starry morning skies

672 how little icy points of light warm my heart with love and awe for their Creator

673 the death and dying of fall preparing for the solace of winter

674 that my mum taught me how to mend and hem and sew buttons securely

675 a $3.01 drycleaning bill

676 teenager insecurities almost being over - here come the stable twenties

When The Moon Is Far Away

2011-11-13T04:16:00.000-08:00

Grass glittered with frost, my shins aching, but the sky, oh the sky, the morning, the shyness of the early day overwhelmed me. I slowed.

A streetlight towered above me, all chilly metal and aura, capturing my attention. Drawn like a moth, I stood for a minute.

After that minute, I saw past the streetlight. The moon, full and brilliant, stood out in a paling sky. Trees framed the majesty, raising their branches in adoration.

I almost missed seeing the moon because the streetlight was closer. It grabbed my attention. It was beautiful, but not the most amazing thing. In fact, it wasn't even worth the comparison. Man-made light and metal or the moon? No contest. Being the metaphor addict I am, I immediately made a comparison to real life.

Streetlight ----> World

Moon -----> Heaven

Sometimes I think I miss the goal of heaven because the world is closer. It grabs my attention. It sucks me in, takes my time, makes me promises it can't keep and tries to wows me. It says, "Be this, do that, get this. Wow, look at you. So much already but so far to go."

Heaven is because of Jesus, for Jesus and from Jesus. He is worth everything and is forever. God is bursting with incredible far-reaching promises that he will fulfill. He takes my life and makes me something beautiful. He amazes me.

Something in our humanity wants to be awed. We want more than just mundane events and petty answers. We want to know big, glorious, life-changing things. We're fascinated by how many light years it is across the Milky Way and why that biker traveled two thousand miles. More than just knowledge, though, we want to be part of something bigger. We want to do things that will change something, change others, change the world.

When God saves us and we turned our eyes on Jesus, His role in our lives and the calling to which we are called, we are part of the best and biggest story that ever was and ever will be. We are given power from God Himself. However, the world tries to cut in and discourage us, discredit us and disarm us. It tries to charm us with man-made lights and metal. We have to be deliberate.

Recently, I decided to stop watching movies. I found that not only were they taking time away from school, but they were rearranging my priorities and thoughts in ways I did not like. Mostly they were pretty harmless, but I find that soaking myself in the world does not help me focus on God. I make the caveat that I can watch good movies when I'm hanging out with fam/friends.

For now, I'm being deliberate. I know that I have to be. I want to look past the streetlight and spend more time in awe of the moon.

R<3

Listening to Write This Down - Citadel
keep moving on, keep dreaming on
if we're going down, we're going down with a fight

Joy Takes Sitting Down

2011-11-12T06:32:00.001-08:00

As I've mentioned before, new socks, coffee and journalling is the best way to greet the morning. Add Christmas lights and the Psalms and I'm pretty much set.

Good morning hair and sleepy eyes and a new treasure trove of joy - today is a day to celebrate.

What are you celebrating this morning?

R<3

Looking Back

2011-11-09T17:52:00.000-08:00

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I just wanted to share some lovely links that I've come across in the past weeks. Hope you are as blessed by these amazing people and ideas as I am.

Jonathan writes about where his arms can't reach.

Chelsey thanks God for the return of a prodigal brother.

25 ways to wear a scarf!

Stephen says, "Even if you didn't choose this particular adventure, be faithful."

My brother's playful advice on how to wreak revenge using only the leaves you've raked.

Amy makes a delightful happy birthday tribute to her husband.

Sarah says, "Don't be embarrassed of you. You have been created to fumble and stumble along at times."

How to Pray 24-7-365 - YES! I'm going to write this out and paste it all over my walls!

One Direction likes The Way You Look Tonight and I'll send that compliment right back to them. I won't hide my love for boy bands, people.

Check out the Tab feature I just added on the right! I'm going back through my posts and tagging them so you can just pick a specific topic to read and you'll find posts on that topic in my archives. It's pretty nifty.

R<3

thankful with Ann for -

652 the gift of concentration

653 pumpkin coffee - a great-tasting paradox

654 passing along fun facts to friends

655 many fiery-fall trees - joyful orange, secretive red, pertinent yellow

656 reassurance that the waiting will be worth it
657 great new pink backpack
658 the substancial hope of Psalm 27
659 friends who will pray again again for me
660 that God is a fortress that even in my worst moments of rebellion I cannot tear down
661 a simple solution to a broken dryer
662 my sixteen year old brother praying a birthday blessing on Esther's fourteenth
663 the joy and life in Jak's eyes when she talks about cosmotology school and the challenges she's enjoying
664 substitutes

Witness Sunshine Coming

2011-11-07T19:06:00.000-08:00

I'm going to tell you a story and I will warn you - it's not exactly a happy one. It's not a tale of sweet daisies and sunshine. Okay, so there was sunshine but not in the metaphorical sense.

So thanks to Madeline's inspiring post and the teaching we'd been having in the College and Career class sunday mornings, I was really feeling called to witness to someone. I kept passing people and having brief contacts, like with a woman in the bathroom at Target and I kept almost going there, beginning words in my mind, but never quite making it through.

One of the things I'd heard in class that just stuck out like the Eiffel Tower in my mind was this phrase, "You are free to go and love people." The Gospel frees me from slavery to other people's opinions to do the most loving thing I could for them - tell them about Jesus.

Then, flash to Caribou. I'm sitting there in the sunshine, drinking my hot cinnamon spice tea and reading my Intercultural Communication textbook and this gal comes by and she pretty much epitomizes openness. She sits down right next to me in an armchair and we chat a bit about the weather and where she lived. We kept talking a bit and there was actually another woman sitting one armchair away from us and she joined in the conversation for a moment which made it even more of a daring jump for me to ask her about her religious background. But I did it.

Now I wish this had been a beautiful, spiritual inspirational encounter and I could say I led her through the ten commandments, she realized her failings before God and she asked, "What must I do to be saved?" and I told her, prayed with her and left her a tract.

But none of that happened. It just didn't. I felt like a fumble-muffin, sogging through a mire with a mind that wouldn't work. We got meshed in discussion about Bible translations and the authenticity of Scripture and part of me was just crying, thinking I want to hear your story! Don't tell me what you believe, tell me where you've been, tell me the hurt places and please, please let me tell you about the Healer.

We never got that far. She kept arguing with me, almost absolutely opposed and oppressed by the absolutes that people like me kept trying to fit her worldview and her 'Higher Power' into the Bible. She finally said with more than a hint of irritation, "Look, I was planning to come here to enjoy reading my book, not get into some big theological discussion with someone who will never understand my worldview."

I backed off: my feelings were hurt and I was unsure whether more talk would help or hurt. We had some more small discussion and I learned her name. Joanne. I learned she was also a single mom. Although she didn't want to make absolute decisions or carry her beliefs to their logical end, I have one weapon to use and I will. I'm praying for Joanne and her dear five-year-old Alexandria.

Almost always after I witness to someone, I feel sick - even physically sick, shaky with weird feelings in my stomach, a tightness in my shoulders and a dread. I believed in spiritual warfare before today, but this experience makes me believe it even more. When I came home from the coffee shop, I felt so scared, defeated and battered that I went downstairs to my room and waited for God. I bowed down low and prayed. I bowed and yes, I was crouching low to protect myself from Satan and his lies, but I also bowed to surrender all the events and feelings and seeming failure. I bowed down low because I was begging that God would give me a trust in him that surpassed my understanding of the situation.

God told me some things. He told me he loves it when his daughter hears his voice and witnesses in the midst of fear. He also reminded me of the fact that he often uses several encounters with the Gospel to save people. Maybe I was one of those encounters for Joanne. Maybe this cloudy story has sunshine coming.

Thanks for reading, friends. This has been weighing heavily on me and I'm glad I could write it down.

R<3

Listening to NeedToBreathe - Lay 'Em Down (Yeah, I'm learning how. Love these guys and their enthusiasm.)

all you sinners and the weak at heart

all you helpless on the boulevard
bring all of your troubles, come lay 'em down

Visiting Leaves

2011-11-04T18:59:00.000-07:00

So our dear Abbie came to visit, soon to be our very own scrumptious sister-in-law! Only fifteen days. :)

We went for a walk, to celebrate joy and fall and life and health.

I'm going to miss seeing the ground during the winter. And seeing Daviey every week.... :(

Little leaves don't leave just yet. Stay with me until I'm ready to face the winter.

Five of my favorite people - Daviey, Abbie, Mummy, Babs and Esther.

I wrote a poem this morning.

truth is costly

but lies cost so much more

they bite, scramble, fray you all about

they blacken, bruise and lessen

lies can seem costly, comforting, alluring

but truth is worth so much more

treasure it like diamonds

wear truth all over your heart

so lies, costly lies, have no inlet

Happy Almost-Saturday, friends!

R<3

Listening to House Of Heroes - Salt In The Sea (been chain-listening to this song allll afternoon)
I'm here until you crash into me
I'm softened by the salt in the sea
I'm alive

Warrior

2011-11-03T12:39:00.000-07:00

I read a verse today. It said,

Stand up and strap on the belt of truth. It will keep your sanity on.
It said, strap on a breastplate of righteousness. It will keep the guilt at bay.

Strap on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. It will keep you from being consumed by your own problems. It will help you remember joy.
It said pick up and don't put down the shield of faith. It will protect you from devastating lies.
Take up the helmet of salvation. Wear it like a crown. Ram condemnation like a bull!
Take up the word of God. Be reverent and grateful. Pray you will honor it. It will keep you in the Spirit of God.
Get down on your knees for other saints. Don't wrap yourself up in your own issues. Look for others who need help and support.

It said, be a warrior, woman.

R<3

He Understands

2011-11-01T18:33:00.000-07:00

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Just wanted to share this quote from C.S. Lewis's Magician's Nephew with you. It made me cry and I had to turn my back and mess with the lid of the peanut butter jar so my little sister wouldn't see.

"But please, please - won't you - can't you give me something that will cure Mother?" Up till then he had been looking at the Lion's great front feet and the huge claws on them: now, in his despair, he looked up at its face. What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life. For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lion's eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory's own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself.

R<3

Type-y Type

2011-10-31T19:19:00.000-07:00

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Guest post at visionarywomen. It's a repost of the one I did about wedding dresses and modesty. :)

Tiredness.

New black boots + gray wool coat = set for winter.

Thankfulness.

The moment that I start to rely on myself is the moment things go sour. It's not that things can't be disappointing or discouraging when I'm relying on God, but I'm protected when I know God has my best interest at heart.When I start believing the lie that I have to manage everything on my own, it seems like everything has the power to cut down my dreams and turn me into an insecure little mess. Note to self: trust in God. Always. Just do it.

Does anyone want to guest-post on my blog? If you do, email me at colormylifewithlove@gmail.com. I'm pretty open to whatever kind of topics you might come up with.

R<3

Listening to Gungor - Please Be My Strength (my prayer as I get ready for work tomorrow... so tired, but waiting on strength from the Lord)

Featured Music - Monarch Is Lowly

2011-10-28T20:01:00.000-07:00

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Let me tell you a story.

Two guys - guys who love the guitar, the keyboard, the drama and destiny they drew from the notes - finally get their dream of a record deal and go off on tour.

Picture a late night, after a crazy show, the band is all exhausted and sweaty. They climb into their tour bus and most crash into their bunks as they begin the trip to the next city for their next show. The early morning hours are black and flatlining in that time between sense and dawn. The band member driving can't stay awake. His head nods and suddenly, the tour bus wheels diagonally jut across the rumble strip and before he can bring the wheel back around, the entire bus is off the road. It bumps crazily for a moment and then there's a crack, a deafening pop and the bus lurches to the side, rolling over and over.

No one died, but the lead singer Brennan Shawn broke his foot. For the next year, he was in and out of the hospital. His best friend had been the one driving. Brennan couldn't forgive him for so deftly killing the dream they had seemed to be living. The band eventually went their separate ways.

Brennan moved to New York, with a heart burdened with depression and bitterness.There, he picked up the guitar again and wrote. He wrote about disappointment, failures, pain and darkness. He wrote the album Lowly.
"When I wrote Lowly, I had just been rejected by everyone I thought would get me where I needed to be in the music business. I was alone in a tiny apartment in Queens, barely making enough money to eat, while feeling so disconnected from God that I fell into a deep depression. The lyrics, "Will I die in this room alone? Will I vanish behind my door?" and "So I will hide, count to ten, if I'm gone, I'm sure you will win" were all written while I was barely able to find a reason to go on with my life. It was [written] out of total desperation and solitude. I wasn't even sure it would ever get made, so I arranged the songs the way I heard them in my head. "

***

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Lowly is one of my favorite albums of music. I am touched by the tenderness of writing, the honesty, the heart-cry combined with musical genius and soaring vocals. His rawness can be compared to modern-day psalms. This album encourages me when I'm discouraged because no matter now low I can get, in my mood or in sin, I can always find my Savior, the Light in my darkness, just as Brennan did.
I first heard Lowly over three years ago and I still listen to it often. I recommend getting the whole album and listening to it from start to finish. You can buy it here. Two of my favorite songs are the one he wrote about the accident - Stay Awake - and the title track Lowly. Go here the full interview transcript.

Does hearing a backstory about a song or album enhance your experience of the music?

R<3

Truths In The Cracks Of Life

2011-10-26T09:07:00.000-07:00

Staring up at a white plaster ceiling, I asked myself. What does it mean for God to be my refuge right now?

I asked again during a long day at work, partially deaf in an awkward isolated silence.
I asked again when I came home from ten hours at work and wanted raspberry white chocolate scones and not because I was hungry.
I asked again when I agreed to go running for the first time in months with a friend who runs almost everyday.

God being my refuge means I'm safe when I can't interact with people how I usually do - I don't need to rely on my social skills to ensure I am loved*.
It means I'm safe to rely on Him rather than food,- because He satisfies*.
It means I'm safe to go running and be ready to fail and be out of breath because failure would not be the end of the world.

God being my refuge means replacing lies with truth. It means studying to know how to answer the lies that creep and crawl like lichen on forest trees. I know the wide truths - the love, the mercy, the wonderful justice - but I want to know how they fit into each tiny crack of my life. God is my refuge.

Let your steadfast love be upon us, Oh Lord, even as we hope in you.

God, you are my refuge, right now.

R<3

Listening to Fair - Disappearing World
Linking with Imperfect Prose

Dear Sister, Eat Cake

2011-10-24T19:06:00.000-07:00

I know I'm just full of announcements lately, but I needed to share this, especially since I found out that my dear Auntie Connie keeps up with my family from my blog. I <3 all my dear amazing family in Canada!

This cake was for my dear sister Esther. She is fourteen now! Her birthday was actually on the 21st but I didn't get to post that day. Sad to say, I didn't make the cake either! It was a lovely carrot cake with cream cheese icing.

Happy Birthday dear little sis! You are a beautiful, amazing lady and I love your heart for God!

***

Can I just put this as a sidenote? There's a reason people tell you not to use Q-tips in your ear. I learned the hard way. Meet my deaf left ear.

Also, I scribbled answers with pencils for two and a half hours this morning on the subject of News Writing. I'm afraid I did very poorly. I'm somewhat deviously praying that the professor who grades my test will have had a terrific morning with plenty of coffee, a lovely breakfast and be in a lenient mood. :D

Anything good happen to you lately? Or anything bad that made you grateful for the status quo? Lemme tell you, since my left ear plugged up, I haven't been this thankful for my hearing in a long time.

R<3

thankful with Ann for -

635 over easy eggs

636 blog archives

637 brothers who can unplug toilets

638 pink cheeks from fall air

639 October

640 the sound of small dogs running through piles of crackly leaves

641 my mother's tangy artichoke salad

642 borrowed shirts

643 pink-purple-orange sunrise lighting my way

644 that my warfare is ended

645 my sins are forgiven

646 God is no longer angry with me

647 slightly salty string cheese

648 alliteration

649 learning how to spell initiative right

650 getting a huge amount of school done in a day

651 kind professors who give me grace on late assignments

Love And Marriage

2011-10-23T16:11:00.000-07:00

In TWENTY FIVE days, these two are going to be married! Wow, I can't believe my big brother is going to be an old married man. (His words, not mine!)

I'm so excited for you, Abbie and David! I love you both very much.

R<3

P.S. I found my dress for the wedding just yesterday.

Tea And Other Emotions

2011-10-22T19:00:00.000-07:00

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One of the most comforting and communal things to do is drink a cup of tea. I savor the warmth and fragrance, the smooth, sometimes shy flavors that warm my tongue and throat. I love the color, blushing pinks and bottomless reds, deep browns and heroic blacks, which will only be conquered with splash after splash of cool milk.

I took this picture during tea with Mrs C. <3

I savor drinking it from dainty teacups and wide-mouthed mugs, even out the crack of a plastic lid on a to-go cup. I love drinking it on a cloudy fall afternoon or while the moon rises on a stark winter night.

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I savor the idea and ritual of tea; patience as essence seeps from the bag into the water, the careful first sip, steam rippling up my face. Some of my favorite flavors are apple spice, vanilla chai, citrus chamomile, peppermint and the original sweet and spicy Good Earth tea.

Do you drink tea? What are some of your favorites?

R<3

Listening to Christina Perri - Arms

Thankfulness + Pictures

2011-10-19T18:54:00.000-07:00

Hi friends, as you know, I'm coming up with 1000 things I'm thankful for, by inspiration of Ann Voskamp. I'm a little over halfway and it's been a good experience to do. I added some pictures of some of the things this time!

Today is actually a good day to be posting this because it was a rotten, stinking, horrible no-good day. I'll confess I was whiny at some points. Yes, I was. I'm not going to pretend to be perfect.

624 catching up with my lovely friend Anna

625 savoring the Psalms

626 having an easier second semester

627 earning how to encourage by trial and error

628 wearing the green scarf my friend Sarai brought me from England

629 extra moments with God

630 Pastor Jeff discipling/playing chess with my brother Andrew

631 pumpkin soup with Jak at her house

632 a dad who wants to be involved in my life

633 chilling with my little sisters <3 <3

634 when coffee shops start offering pumpkin spice coffee instead of blueberry

In that last picture, it looks like my hair is red, but I assure you, it remains a blonde-brown color. I've been considering going red again, though. :D

Much love and welcome to any new readers! I hope you enjoy it here in my little corner of the blogging world.

R<3

Listening to David Cook - Life On The Moon (this song describes my life exactly sometimes...:P)

Never Without Prayer

2011-10-17T10:10:00.000-07:00

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This is something I've been pondering. I have issues that do not seem to be solved by continued prayer, but I can know this for sure - they will never be solved without prayer. My friend Courtney told me she had scheduled in (actually wrote it in on her calender) some extended time for prayer and that inspired me. Instead of giving up on God coming through for me, I need to go to him and ask him what he wants me to change. I can start with me. And it begins with learning to wait.

***

In other news, I guest-posted about How To Write a Personal Vision Statement over at Madeline's lovely blog Flame In Darkness this morning! Go check it out!

Also, I updated my blogroll! Go look, you might be on it! :)

R<3

Listening to Switchfoot - Awakening (have seriously had this song stuck in my head for the past twenty-four hours)

How To Make Newsprint Nails

2011-10-15T14:54:00.000-07:00

You know those patterned nails that are popular right now? The leopard and black lace print ones? I went looking for some and found out they were almost eight bucks. Eight bucks?? I don't want to spend eight bucks on nail decoration, especially since my nail polish rarely stays perfect for more than a day. Stephen is actually the one who found inspiration for this on the interwebs someplace. So, props to the brother!

I want to show you an easy, much less expensive way to get some fun patterned fingernails. Newsprint nails are perfect for Communication majors. Or anyone else who loves words and if you're a blogger, well, you probably love words. Unless you're a guy blogger, then you love words, but you probably don't love nail polish that much. :) Hope you enjoy!

Some other fun suggestions are trying numbers, Sudoku puzzles, cartoons and colored newspaper!

R<3

Listening to Alex Day - The World Is Mine (I Don't Know Anything) - (recommended by Bialy!)

Heart Shapes

2011-10-12T18:01:00.000-07:00

When my sister Jak read this post, she texted me, "Hey, we should make biscuits together sometime!" So the very next day, she came over and we made biscuits.

After 15 min in 500 degrees, they came out hot, tall and fluffy, just like biscuits should be. But these weren't ordinary biscuits.

I made heart-shaped biscuits! Because this is a blog about love and all... :D

I made lots and lots, because I love my family.

Yummy with butter and honey. If anyone is curious, I used this recipe, but I just used regular white flour instead of the cake flour. They turned out great, but seriously, handle the dough as little as possible.

I put this picture up because I know Stephen has a tremendously great sense of humor and does not mind looking like a zombie on occasion. Also, I love Daviey's expression of disbelief and hilarity.

Babs enjoyed the biscuits as well.

And no, she didn't eat them all. I helped. Most everyone did. Good thing Daviey and his fiancee (I always want to capitalize that word because I'm so excited) Abbie were visiting so they could eat biscuits too.

Oh and if anyone was wondering what kind of dates they enjoy, one evening, Abbie pierced Esther's ears. Yep. With a sewing needle and thread. Look at 'em. Daviey, the RN, calmly icing Esther's ear and Abbie, the sculpter's assistant, deftly doing the deed.

They are quite the pair, I'm telling you. Perfect for each other. ^_^

This intense picture captures the experience for Esther. Good thing she had two experts to do it.

***

Cheerio pip pip, ol' gang! I've been missing for an entire week. As a sort of apology and an attempt to relieve my own mind, I redid my blog template. If ya like it, I'm glad. :) If not and you happen to be an expert in html, I'd love to pick your brain for information!

Also, anyone have any new music recommendations? I'd love to hear them! The music doesn't have to be newly released, just new to you.

R<3

Listening to Dave Barnes - Miles To Go (this is such an encouraging song!)

I Decided, God Provided

2011-10-05T19:19:00.000-07:00

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After nine hours of study, I

read eight chapters of text,
wrote three discussion posts and responded to my classmates' posts,
a self-analysis paper,
and an essay paper

I made it!! Thanks everyone for your prayers! I'm all caught up! If you don't mind, I'm just going to sit here and enjoy the view from the top for a moment.

Say to those who have an anxious heart, "Be strong! Fear not! Behold your God - He will come and save you*." God really does. As Spurgeon says of our beloved Savior, "He cannot but succeed: leave yourself entirely in His hands."*

R<3

Listening to Reagan - Come Ye Sinners (I know this girl! I love the harmony in this song.)

I Decide

2011-10-04T19:23:00.000-07:00

Logging into my school site this morning, I found out that my "October" semester actually began September 26th. Goodie, now I'm a week behind. Cue stress-crying, panic sweats and multiple attempts to despair. I called my heart-friend Emily and seriously just cried. She told me to climb that mountain and do some crazy work to catch up. I totally love my friends.

Another encouragement was this song. I can choose what I am going to do. I can cry and whine and give up (I've done plenty of that, lemme tell you) or I can get up, strap on my spiked mountain boots and climb.

Hey what up, schoolwork,

You're my mountain. Because of the love that will not let me go, I'm swimming out of this ocean of panic and despair. I will climb you in the morning. It'll be hard, but you're here for a reason. You stay right there. I'll be back tomorrow.

R<3

Link Love

2011-10-03T10:37:00.000-07:00

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Emily writes tenderly about depression... and the ocean.

Amber's beautiful poem choice is full of wisdom.

Adam tells the Sharks To Keep Moving. No more elevator terrors.

Sarah loves her big sink when she's washing this adorable little dish.

Stephen defines the line for booze and dancing.

A absolutely lovely Princess Post!

Have a beautiful Monday, everyone!

R<3

Listening to Bebo Norman - Break Me Through (One of the most relaxing and true songs I know - I have listened to it hundreds of times.)

thankful with Ann -

616 3G networks

617 a baby falling asleep in my arms

618 a heart-to-heart with an older sister in Christ, her words of wisdom

619 my brother playing "Your Song" on the keyboard

620 my bosses coming over for Sunday lunch

621 having two legs so I can drive a stick shift (as Andrew pointed out)

622 the sound of rain on leaves

623 Stephen pretending to be an airhead

Hardest Thing I've Done All Day

2011-10-01T19:09:00.000-07:00

Ever tried to write a purse description? Seriously, not easy. You have to try to think about what to call those loops that connect the purse strap to the purse itself. Do you know? It bent my mind in all sorts of directions.

I spent over a half hour writing this description for this purse that I'm selling on Ebay.

This classic handbag made of buttery brown leather with all the classic Brighton accents, including a wide stitched leather strap connected to the purse with wide oval silver loops. There is a zippered side and an open one that has a little zipper pocket and another for your cellphone. It has a leather Brighton nameplate stitched on the lovely swirly pink lining. There is a snap closure at the top and a wide band with a magnetic closure that goes over top the entire purse. The band has some faint scratches on it, that are hardly noticable. On the back of the purse, near the bottom seam, there are some slightly puckered areas, which most likely came from the purse being too near a hot surface. They are on an area of the purse that most people will never see and because of the leather texture, they do not stand out strikingly.

This purse will make the perfect unique gift...to yourself! It is inspired quality and beauty. You will treasure this purse.

Great way to spend a Saturday, I'm telling ya. :) After that, I went out for Thai food, with the band (Daviey, Josa, Jak and me), Daviey's fiancee Abbie and another friend. Yum. I love Thai food.

Oh and Fashion Alert! I'm singlehandedly bringing back the Top-Knot. A little girl I was babysitting said I was like a grown-up Goldilocks, and while I appreciate that, I'll stick with Mulan, thank you very much. :D

R<3

Listening to High School Musical - Bet On It (...because sometimes, a girl just needs a little Zac Efron in her life)

Christians As Biscuit Dough

2011-09-27T00:30:00.000-07:00

"While growing up in Texas, I enjoyed my mother's buttermilk biscuits made from "scratch" every morning for breakfast. But there was not a single ingredient in those biscuits that I would have enjoyed by itself. And even after they were mixed together, I would not have cared for the raw biscuit dough. Only after they were mixed together in the right proportions by my mother's skillful hands and then subjected to the fire of the oven were they ready to be enjoyed for breakfast.

The "things" in Romans 8:28* are like the ingredients of the biscuit dough. By themselves they are not tasteful to us. We shun them. And we certainly shun the heat of the oven. But when God in his infinite skill has blended them all together and cooked them properly in the oven of adversity, we shall one day say, it is good." -Jerry Bridges, from Trusting God Even When Life Hurts

***

Up early again and so, so blessed by this book. Thinking about it, I'm feel so raw and pasty. I feel the unformness of all I am. My life is a mess, honestly, but it helps to remember that I'm dough! I am indescribably thankful for my Master Chef. He is working*. He is, he is, he is. Someday, I will beautiful and useful, sweetened by the trials and solidified and sanctified in faith because of the heat of the oven. Oh I can't wait.

Redeeming love has been my theme and shall be til I die... and I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you (and me!) will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

R<3

Listening to NeedToBreathe - A Place Only You Can Go (recommended by a fellow music lover)

(Both pictures are from this blog and the recipe actually looks really good! Anyone up for making biscuits with me? :D)

Sharing Vs. Spilling

2011-09-26T17:15:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I have a question and I don't quite know how the answer could or will come, so maybe I'll just hang it out there to dry. Where's the line between a healthy vulnerability and complete oversharing?

Shout out to my friends Vicki and Erin. Seriously, you two are amazing and I love you.

R<3

Listening to Semisonic - Closing Time

thankful with Ann -

604 that even permenant hair dye is temporary

605 reliable coworkers

606 chocolate chips and chunky pb

607 parents who sing together

608 a four inch tall pizza creation that involves the whole family

609 the color saturation in the early morning sky

610 the bass drum

611 purple hands from biking around when it's 34 degrees

612 wrong way signs

613 "renown" toilet paper at church ;)

614 George Swinnock

615 spearmint flavored floss

If This, Then God

2011-09-22T19:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight was a good night. I wore purple plaid, ate grilled cheese and took a long hot bath. Did you know some people say spending time in water is a necessary part of maintaining mental sanity? It's like therapy... reminding us of what it was like in our mother's womb. I love the sound of water against my eardrums. I love how everything seems so faraway.

I've recently recalled a thing called Hope. I relive words I wrote a long time ago and they remain true, but I can see I've taken a few steps forward. It gives me more hope. I'm not where I once was.

Beth Moore was talking about her fears once. You know that fear, where the very beginning thoughts of it just paralyze you? In her case, she was fearing that her husband would leave her. She would just begin to think about it and it would give her panic attacks. She had a conversation with God that I think about a lot. She said God asked her to take her fears to their furthest extent. She walked through what would happen if her husband did leave her. She said, "Well God, it would be just you and me and I'd pray a lot and memorize a whole lot of scripture and we'd make it through. You've seen me through a huge number of things and I know you won't leave me now." She brought it down to this equation.

If _______(your greatest fear), then God.

When God says nothing can separate me from his love, baby, he means nothing. Not even my own stupidity. So there, self. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Oh and I put lights up in my room. This is currently my view from where I'm sitting. Every morning I feel like I'm living in a fairytale, like Tangled when they released all the lanterns.

R<3

Listening to Brandi Carlile - The Story (Seriously, listen to what this girl can do with her voice. It's crazyridiculousfabulously cool.)

thankful with Ann for -

593 napping in the sun

594 in the sight of my weakness and his awesome work, my strength of soul increases

595 the joy of my church family, rejoicing that Victor's battle with cancer is over

596 though our physical bodies die, our life in Christ flourishes today and will forever

597 blueberry banana whip by the campfire

598 a gentleman with a cast and crutches managing to hold the door for me and another lady

599 my mother buying me a pink plaid shirt - just what I wanted

600 the invention of glass windows

601 nursing assistant training

602 spiral bound notecards

603 google translate

Progress Perrort...

2011-09-18T17:36:00.000-07:00

Hi friends, for your latest progress report on Ruthiey's school, you have come to the right place! I have exactly two projects left for my current semester. After that I have one test - Intro to News Reporting - then one more three course semester and if all goes well and my professors like me and I pass everything, I will graduate with a BA in Communications on December 17, three days after my 20th birthday. I'm scared to death and so excited. I'm going to be old and out of school at almost exactly the same time. What will I do with myself?

Hope you've had a fabulous Sunday. I haven't been posting much, but hopefully I'll get back into it.

R<3

Listening to my brother Andrew playing - Into The West

Thankful with Ann -

582 very clean bathrooms

583 warm bread with lots of butter

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584 biking lazily on a gray saturday afternoon

585 loosening up a little, having a rest day from chasing goals

586 laughing at the amount of self-pity a headache can induce

587 ibuprofen

588 my employers bringing me starbucks coffee during a tough day

589 a sister willing to bear my burdens

590 skyping with friends closeby and faraway

591 the therapy of wandering Target aisles

592 a new fushia backpack

Unsubstancial But Pretty

2011-09-14T19:02:00.000-07:00

For a little while, just pretend there's not a blog here. Right now I will post pretty pictures of things and send you to go read this. Adam updates infrequently, but it's always worth it.

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I think I love the idea of these shoes more than the shoes themselves. Seriously, a little gray bouquet of roses on the front of my feet? Sign me up!

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I love this jacket. I think I would feel so safe in this jacket. It kinda reminds me of this jacket that Damian is wearing in this video. No, I'm not obsessive. Not at all.

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Messy buns with braids and pink roses, yes please.

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such elegant gloves.

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and since owls are amazing, I will leave you with this dear little one.

Any prayers you have to spare would be appreciated. Be well, friends.

R<3

Listening to O.C. Supertones - Where I Find You

Raspberry Muffins

2011-09-10T16:07:00.000-07:00

(from Katie's blog)

Currently making these, except with raspberries and oat flour. The batter was scrumptious and lovely - I really wanted to eat it all. If you don't have supper plans already, make one (or three) of these!

R<3

Listening to Gym Class Heroes - Stereo Hearts

Thankful For The Sky

2011-09-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

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thankful with Ann -

569 malfunctioning internet

570 that the Father's mercy encompasses the farthest extent of my life

571 the front lawn of a gardener, flowers filling every space

572 that the sky is always there to be looked up at, to fill me again with awe and humility

573 glimmery wet grass

574 party in my room with six of my siblings and my friend Emily

575 texting Jak late at night

576 steamy pots of cinnamon apple tea

577 my friend Erin giving away her Bible to a girl she witnessed to

578 free food

579 my sisters unintentionally recreating a Chariots of Fire scene

580 how each season has a soundtrack

581 fresh flowers from the farmer's market

Happy Saturday!

R<3

Jesus and Victor

2011-09-07T13:37:00.000-07:00

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I'm sitting here at my keyboard, going down my Facebook feed and just crying. A family in our church, their fourteen-year-old son Victor died this morning after a long fight with cancer. His story is an amazing one. The W family met him when their other daughter was diagnosed with cancer and Victor was going through chemotherapy at the same time. Victor's family couldn't take care of him and the W family adopted him and he met Jesus. Before he died, he was sharing the gospel with his birth family and shortly before his death, we heard that three of the eight of them had accepted Jesus. He was an amazing little boy. The whole church is mourning.

Patrick - Goodbye Victor, you have blessed my life so much, but now you are held in God's hand and i know you'll never feel pain again. We'll miss you here but i'm also happy for you, because you knew where you were going. You went to go meet Jesus this morning and you'll be with Him forever. I pray for your family and i love you buddy, see you when i get there.

Christina - Goodbye Victor. I will miss ushering with you. Say "hi" to Jesus for me. (:

Karen - Sorrowful...yet rejoicing...

Sarah - Victor was an amazing little boy who has been a light in the darkness. He passed away last night. See you soon little man.

Kelsey - Rest in peace Victor. Praise God for your story and a race well run.

Christina - "We will dance on the streets that are golden—the glorious bride and the great Son of Man. From every tongue and tribe and nation, we'll join in the song of the Lamb." I miss you so much, Victor, but you truly are in a much better place.

His sister Elise posted this song - Matt Maher - Christ is Risen

His dad - Victor Manuel passed into eternity earlier this morning at the age of 14 yrs. He ran a good race, and finished well. To God be the glory forever and ever. Amen.
Good-bye little buddy. See you soon.

Yeah, it probably wasn't any use to put on makeup today. In some ways, these tears are ones of intense joy. Early this morning, he saw the face of King Jesus. He will never be in pain anymore.

Victor is now a victor is every sense of the word. But I miss him. We miss him.

R<3

Versatile Blogging

2011-09-05T17:56:00.001-07:00

Since Shannon was sweet enough to give me a 'Versatile Blogger' award, I'm going share seven things about myself and then tag seven blogs that I love and why I love them!

1) I want a little puppy, like this one - scrumptious, no?

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2) I love light - sunlight, moonlight, christmas lights, whatevs - I love it

3) I wear socks to bed, winter and summer - it makes my feet feel secure

4) I love roadtrips but hate driving longer than fifteen minutes by myself

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5) I don't write checks - if you get money from me, it's cash or debit ^_^

6) I have a perfume collection - currently at seven

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7) My big sister Jak moved out last month and I miss her so much... at least I see her at work!

As the second part of this post, I'm going to list seven blogs I've found recently that I love and why I love them.

Pastor Girl's Ponderings - actually it's more of a rediscovery for this blog, but I love her photography and tender story-telling.

DelaSoDelas - an adorable Brazilian girl who reads my blog through an online translation... Monique just started blogging, but I think I'm going to like it. She advocates cupcakes, so she's right up my alley. :)

The Sacred Life - Simply put, Rain is an artist.

Owl City Blog - How did it take me so long to find Adam Young's blog? No answer. It's a ridiculous question. (Oh and he's so going to see this... NOT. :P)

Shaylynn - She just makes me smile so big. She's young.

Yes, I Want Cake - Katie loves little babies and yummy food.

Letters To Rome - Ahhh, I just love this girl! Besides fun and lovely crafts, she also has stunning photography skillz.

If any of the dear bloggers I've tagged want to join in the fun, here are the guidelines for the Versatile Blogger Award!

Thank the person who gave you the award and link back to them
Share seven things about yourself
Pass the award along to seven (or five or fifteen) recently discovered blogs (contact them to let them know).

G'night, all! Be well!

R<3

Listening to Ryan Cabrera - I Will Remember You

Belong There

2011-09-04T15:59:00.002-07:00

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This morning, my arms got chilly as I biked to work. As soon as the calender page blew up to reveal September, the wind responded by taking temperature down a few notches. Now I arrive pinkish and still cool. It's not blustery yet, but I'm gradually remembering what cold weather is like.

I work every other weekend. And almost without fail, as I bike at 6:25 every morning, I pass a biker going the opposite direction. And when I say biker, I mean a legit biker, with a ferocious road bike, decked out in a jersey, sun glasses and the I'm-a-serious-biker helmet. On the other hand, I look nothing like a serious biker - in my comfy work clothes, pink hippo Vans, with my big backpack on, riding a touring bike, but as we pass each other, he always give me a thumbs up and a nod. It makes my day every single time. It's kind of like we, two strangers, share a kinship. We're bikers - early morning bikers at that - and that gives us something in common. It makes me happy to belong.

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I felt that distinct sense of belonging at church during worship last night. There are some people at my church who are crazy in love with God and it is so inspiring. The first seven rows are like the mosh pit of the worship service. :) One guy behind me was singing at the top of his lungs and I'm sure everyone in the sanctuary could hear him. His complete abandonment made me realize how silly it is when we're self-conscious in worship. It's about praising God, for heaven's sake, not about impressing our neighbors.

The church is a beautiful place. There are people who "look" more like Christians and those who look like they don't belong at all, but we all share something in common. We share a grateful heart of worship for a Savior who claimed us. The fact that we're all undeserving levels the grounds for judgement. We shouldn't nitpick at each other and fix each other up so we look matchy-matchy. We can come, dragging our dirty laundry and our messed-up attitudes and drop them all before the King and dance in his presence. He loves the mess. He finds joy in healing and reordering our messes.

Oh, the church is a beautiful place and you and I, we belong there.

R<3

Listening to Michael Buble - Lost

I Found It

2011-09-01T18:12:00.000-07:00

i've found the one who has perspective

only He doesn't sell it -

He spills it freely

and what's more

He created it -

some just for me

shamed and grateful tears

i curl myself small

both because i do matter

and because i don't

***

I've been having quite the time with school over here, but hey guess what? God's grace is steadiness amidst my wobbling. (I just need to keep repeating that to myself.)

"What is my barrenness? It is the platform for His fruit-creating power.
What is my desolation? It is the black setting for the sapphire of His everlasting love."

"Come with the blind eye of darkened understanding: come with the limping foot of wasted energy: come with the maimed hand of weak faith, the fever of an angry temper or the ague of shivering despondency; come just as you are, for He who is God can certainly restore you."
-Spurgeon

How amazing is that last quote?! I read it late one night, exhausted and stressed and as I read, I felt my body release tension and my soul lift lighter. Thank you, God, for taking me just as I am, drama, unbelief, pride and all.

R<3

Listening to Foster The People - Pumped Up Kicks

Please Make It Soon

2011-08-30T16:22:00.000-07:00

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If someone could figure out how to bottle and sell perspective...

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...they would find a customer in me.

Just sayin'.

R<3

Listening to Owl City - On The Wing

Shadows Softly Come And Go

2011-08-27T14:29:00.002-07:00

This is a song... that in the midst of finishing up a 1050 words paper... brought me to a place of peace and happiness. It soothed the knotty-stomach feeling and eased my fear of failing. I will not be a student much longer and I want to enjoy this time.

Just a song a twilight, when the lights are low,
And the flick'ring shadows softly come and go,
Tho' the heart be weary, sad the day and long,
Still to us at twilight comes Love's old song,
comes Love's old sweet song.

Yes, you've notice I'm a wee bit obsessed with Damian McGinty, but hope you enjoy this song.

What is a peaceful song for you?

R<3

thankful for -

558 a day devoid of school

559 plenty of paper

560 my ugly yet functional backpack

561 five people in our family commuting to work by bike

562 powder foundation

563 our neighborhood suffused in a rosy sunrise morning glow

564 bathrooms that smell like cinnamon

565 a cluster of pink roses

566 a military man opening a car door for his girlfriend

567 my amazing test proctor Dr. Nelson

568 "the way the stars shine for You"

Belting Engagment

2011-08-26T18:17:00.000-07:00

Taking a break from schoolz, I will now fulfill my promise of a fashion post. This accessory is something I'd been wanting to experiment with for awhile but hadn't found one that worked... until now. May I present... the wide black belt.

I found this belt at Savers for $4.99 and it is just as versatile as I hoped and even more! I have already worn it many times and with so many different outfits. (Unless otherwise noted, all these items are thrifted.)

This belt lends terrific definition to longer shirts and tunics.

Tunic: $3.99

Belt: $4.99

Jeans (Vigoss): $3.00 (I got these jeans four days ago and have worn them everyday so far. :D)

Boots: $1.00

Yes, I'm a major cheeseball. And since Blogger is underlining everything I'm saying, it must be very important.

Pay attention now, y'all. You'll soon learn I'm a bit cloddish at formatting. :)

Ah, there's a more pensive me. And I must not be saying very important things anymore. Anywhoo, I layered the belt over a feather-weight turtleneck and a blazer.

This would be a great look for fall.

Turtleneck: $2.99

Blazer (Calvin Klein): $8.99

Belt: $4.99

Jeans (Vigoss): $3.00

Boots: $7.99

You're getting the full range of emotions tonight. Now, I'm cheerful but reserved. In a more formal look, I put it over a dress and added a pink cardigan. Another good, layered look for fall.

Dress: $10.99

Cardigan: $0.00 (borrowed from Esther)

Belt: $4.99

Shoes: $5.99

My fashion photography, Esther, even got in on the belt action. I don't have info on her clothing, but I have to say, this sister is one of my major fashion advisers. She inspires me with her own outfit inventions. Check out the great buttoned cuffs on her jeans!

Love you, lil sis!

In further news - I must shout this, because it's just too exciting - MY OLDEST BROTHER DAVIEY IS ENGAGED. He proposed about two hours ago and his amazing now-fiancee Abbie is wearing his beautiful ring! I'm so excited for you two! Love you both lots!

R<3

Listening to Janet Devlin - Your Song (Her singing is like... musical gold. I must have listened to it over 50 times already.)

3:40am

2011-08-26T01:38:00.000-07:00

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I'm writing this at 3:40am. Normally, I like to be asleep right now. As a wee lassie, I was terrified of the dark and due to snippets of some *ahem* horror movies and my naturally skittish imagination, I've never liked being up at night. However lately, I've had some experience with insomnia. One of the cool things I can think about that, is 'Sweet, now I'm like Adam Young!". There's a lyric in Fireflies:

leave my door open just a crack

please take me away from here,

'cause I feel like such an insomniac

Apparently, he wrote most of Ocean Eyes because he couldn't sleep. A bit of a loss for him, but major win for the rest of the world. :)

Back to insomnia... I've learned that being awake at night isn't the worst thing. God is constant no matter how much light is outside. Also, there are worse things than too little sleep. I usually get up and write or read or just quietly talk to God. Now I actually enjoy it in some odd way. I don't get panicky over my loss of sleep. That took awhile to learn, but I believe it's a little picture of how God likes to create beauty and praise in a place that was previously scary and self-centered.

I got this from Jeremiah 33*.

Call to me and I will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known... I have hidden my face from this city because of all their evil [but] behold, I will bring it to health and healing and I will heal them and reveal to them abundance of prosperity and security. I will cleanse them from all the guilt of their sin against me. And this city shall be to me a name of joy, a praise and a glory. They shall fear and tremble because of all the good and all the prosperity I provide for it.

Essentially, God delights to create joy and praise in a place that was previously sorrowful and self-centered. Although I've experienced this in a very small way with my insomnia, I have seen it in other ways in my life and I have faith that God will continue to affect every part of my life.

I can't wait! Imagine every sad or scared part of your life being transformed by God. He can do it.

R<3

Listening to Owl City - To The Sky

To A Friend (3)

2011-08-25T19:06:00.000-07:00

(I wanted to post a fashion post and the pictures are here on my computer, but Flickr is mucha tootsie-slow tonight, so it'll have to be later.)

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Pause for a moment and remember that God is with you. Seriously. Close your eyes and remember that he is right there in the room with you and his constant love has not abated for a minute. It didn't even blip when you made your stupid mistakes. The main thing is not reconciling your view of yourself, but understanding God and his view of you. He loves you.

If you care to top that thought, remember that he planned every situation and event in your life. Maybe you can't see how your failure could be worked for good, but remember, 'our good' is becoming more like Jesus. Plus, maybe your failure in other people's lives is teaching them to rely more on Jesus. I know that people's 'failures' to me made me go to God and rely on him.

I'm feeling very much where you are. God doesn't necessarily design our lives to be happy and funny. Explosions are common. You can't control your life or 'be a good enough Christian' so they don't. Trust God with where you are.

Love you! Be well. I'm praying.

R<3

Damian and Samuel - Both Winners

2011-08-23T19:33:00.000-07:00

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Actually, strike that. I do have something to say. I've been watching The Glee Project and recently the finale aired. I was just watching it just now. The top two contenders were Damain McGinty (who I was rooting for) and this dread-lock guy named Samuel.

So, after all the episodes and the other ten contestants were eliminated, the decision-maker Ryan Murphy tells all of them their strengths and what he likes about them and then... dramatic pause... and, "Samuel, you have won the Glee Project." Everyone freaks out.

"Damian, I think it's so hard. I think you're so special..." Damian is gracious and says that Samuel deserves it and then Ryan goes,

"The thing I want to tell you is that... you have also won the Glee Project." Everyone freeeeaaaaks out, including Damian as he jumps around like a crazy person.

I find it very strange that none of them thought that two winners was strange. I would just like to shout this very loudly for everyone to hear (only I'll type-shout it because my family's in bed). THERE IS ONLY EVER ONE WINNER. That's why it's called second place, people.

Now before you jump on my case, yes, I know for the show it makes sense. They can use more than one person and also yes, I was peeved that they picked Damian second. (Maybe they just wanted to see if he'd react sweetly and he did! Way to go, Damian.) But seriously. Is this not a tribute to our post-modern culture? Two winners? We're all winners, after all. Isn't that nice?

R<3

Do You Like Food?

2011-08-23T18:46:00.000-07:00

Since I have nothing to say and I like food very much, I will send you to blogs that are all about food... and have pictures. Lots of pictures. Have fun!

Smitten Kitchen

17 And Baking

Forgiving Martha

R<3

Listening to Rodney Atkins - Watching You (not going to lie... this song made me cry...)

thankful for, with Ann -

547 remembering all lyrics to a song stuck in my head

548 a misty rain

549 Daviey explaining a Bible passage

550 Stephen offering me his seat

551 the camcorder on my phone

552 Esther's fashion advice

553 finding a Banana Republic sweater for 1.50$

554 re-meeting old acquaintances

555 the gold trim on a monarch's chrysalis

556 Regina, who shares my love of socks

557 free photo editing programs

Like A Bird Without Wings

2011-08-19T18:48:00.000-07:00

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Hi friends,

Thanks for all the comments on my last post. Dementia is such a difficult thing to watch and deal with. It's seeing a grown up woman, a venerable old lady that I want to call grandma and joke around with and make sugar cookies with and yet I have to treat her like a two-year-old sometimes, telling her to put milk in her coffee so it won't be hot and she won't burn herself. This world really is a broken place and I can't wait for Jesus to come back. When I work with people like my new resident, I keep thinking of this quote (which I cannot locate the quoter for the life of me!) but I think it's C.S. Lewis or George MacDonald. If you know, please spill. :)

The most ordinary and average person we see in our world today will someday be transformed into such a glorious creature that if we should see them on the street today, we would fall down on our faces.

That helps me keep it in perspective and know that this world, this place is a transitional period! Like we're waiting for the plane to arrive and the snow and wind is nasty out on the tarmac, but look out at the horizon. He's coming for us. <3

In other news, I was really hoping to post a fashion post for you today, highlighting a new-to-me and very versatile accessory, but that will have to be into next week. Sorry. I've been trapped inside, like a desperate little creature, typing away at my laptop in closed up rooms. No lie. My head hurts and somehow analyzing school tends to lead to lolzcatz, so there you go - my philosophical thought of the day. (^_^)

I had a hideously unproductive day on Thursday and was trying to make up for it today. I think I did. Just barely.

Does anyone else feel like their crazy-productive days make up for the ones that just slipped away? I can't decide.

R<3

Listening to Damian McGinty - A Bird Without Wings (those eyebrows! Damian!)

I Have Another House

2011-08-16T17:43:00.000-07:00

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Last week, a new resident moved into one of our assisted living homes. Because of her advanced dementia, she can't stay with her family any longer. Her transition has been touchy. When she's not humming along with any music she hears or coloring in her five-year-old coloring books, she sits in her chair, repeating over and over to herself, "This is not my house. This is not my house. I don't live here." Brow crinkly-anxious and thick hands angrily pounding on the chair arms, she does not understand why she's still here and her family hasn't come yet. Also, who was this frustrating girl who keeps telling me I'm supposed to be here?

Today, I worked with her a long time. When she told me this wasn't her house and she has a house, a 'red-brick house, with lots of milk and a bigger bed', I told her, "You have two houses. You're at your other one them right now. There's milk at this house too and here is your other bed." I think she understood. Gradually, she'd calm as she began saying. "I have another house. I have another house. They're coming for me."

I wonder... if being in the world, not of it, looks a little bit like that. This world is not my home, but I live here. I have another house and He's coming for me.

R<3

So Much Beauty

2011-08-14T17:23:00.002-07:00

Tonight, I'm just thankful. There is so much beauty and love in my life. For those of you who recently started reading my blog, I'm over halfway through an awesome challenge that Ann Voskamp began. She even wrote a book about it - One Thousand Gifts - A Dare To Live Fully Right Where You Are. I started my own list of 1000 gifts in Thanksgiving of last year and while I'm trying to list them and post regularly, part of me doesn't want this list to end. (Who knows? Maybe it won't. :D)

I have seen my heart developing thankfulness and I'm more aware of how blessed I am. It's exhilarating and humbling. I've found that no matter what nasty situation I'm in, I can usually find something I'm truly grateful for. I recommend starting a list like this.

Have a blessed night! I love all my amazing friends and readers in the blogging community! You guys are a big part of #546. :)

R<3

Listening to Mat Kearney - Closer To Love

536 knowledgeable staff at my school

537 a mom, dad and their little girl all outside drawing with sidewalk chalk

538 the smell of peaches

539 lanterns along a garden pathway

540 the rhythmic peace of walking alone

541 lots of people staying after the service for prayer

542 my resident's ability to make conversation in awkward situations

543 white flowers in bright red window boxes

544 midnight bike ride with moonlight and crickets

545 this stage of life with so many opportunities and possibilities

546 the inspiring people around me who dream freely

In Which I Find Myself Praying For Complications

2011-08-12T14:42:00.000-07:00

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For my final project in Managerial Communications, I have to write about a situation involving conflict in my workplace. My only trouble is... I can't think of any! Yes, I have a perfect job. Don't hate it me for it. It makes my schoolwork that much harder.

So, ridiculously enough, I've found myself praying that some conflict would happen so I'll have something dynamic to write about. Banking on two things here, this verse - "In all things... let your requests be made known to God." and God's ability to give me exactly what I need, even when I pray for silly things. :D

Changing directions... have you ever heard someone say, "The joy of the Lord is my strength!" and it didn't make sense to you? Okay, so God is joyful but I am sad and tired and I still have work to do.

Let me explain what I think it means. God's joy is the most powerful force in the universe. It's like a raging whirlwind of power, of majesty and awe. When we get a glimpse of it, we will be caught up it, torn away from our own preoccupation, tearing up on billowing wonder to a height where we can get a true perspective on life.

In my recent resolution to let my Dreamer breathe, I finished a short story. This bit is about an encounter with God. It describes what I'm trying to say about our need to be part of the Joy that is God.

The stars, oh the stars - his soul was bursting, shooting, exploding from a deep place, a raging oil spill now set aflame. It grew the distance between the elusiveness of light above and his dried-up mind couldn't gulp wonder faster, pouring the swallows down onto a dehydrated soul. It was more than waking up; it was being born again, sweaty and slimy from the darkness, tumbling forward into a bath of ivory awe.

That's the goal - seeing our joyful God equals awe which empowers surrender and service. But what if I'm not there? What if I have no amazement of God? Am I cut off from God's joy being my strength?

This morning, I most definitely was not feeling it. I had a lot of school. I wasn't happy, or content. I wasn't joyful in the least. I could only manage a sort of broken squeak to God. Father, please help me. I'm not there.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits and in his word I hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchman wait for the dawn. ...hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love and with him is plentiful redemption. Psalm 130:5-7

In his book when I Don't Desire God, John Piper says, "If your emotions are wrong, repent and ask God to change them!" (paraphrased) Ask God for eyes to see his joy and if you have to wait, wait. Wait in hope. Pray for the joy of the Lord to be your strength even when you don't feel it.

R<3

Call Me Old Fashioned...

2011-08-11T08:48:00.000-07:00

...but I think wedding dresses should be modest. I follow several photography blogs and I find it a little odd, not to mention distracting when the bride is wearing a dress where there's pretty much only one focus and it's up there. I would like to know how she talked herself into picking that dress and why her mother and sisters and fiancee(!) approved. I can't look at any of the pictures without feeling uncomfortable. I wonder...

Isn't the bride wearing white supposed to demonstrate purity? And if you're going to be "out there" at your wedding, what does that say about the rest of your life? When does purity begin? Is purity valued anymore? You do realize that these are your wedding pictures, right? You plan to display them in your house and put them in a scrapbook and show them to your kids one day, right?

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for sexiness. I think it's extremely important for women to embrace their sexuality. It's a ridiculously amazing gift from God, but key words are right time and place. And those only coincide in one place - with your husband in private.

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Here's an example of a dress I love (and am filing away for future reference ^_^). I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about this! How do you feel when you see an immodest bride?

R<3

Listening to Damian McGinty - Are You Lonesome Tonight

thankful for (with Ann) -

521 notes from both my younger sisters

522 letter from my grandma

523 that Jesus loves the outcasts

524 fried zucchini

525 that God will meet those who seek him

526 confessing to my journal

527 God keeping Christa's baby safe as she gets to 34 weeks on bedrest

528 missions trips leaving from our church to the far ends of the earth

529 earrings that jingle in the breeze

530 father-daughter biking date

531 when God answers prayers for clarity

532 rearranging my room

533 prewashed spinach

534 knowing I'm never lost amidst the busy, crazy hubbub of life

535 A/C fixed!

Matters Of The Art

2011-08-09T19:36:00.000-07:00

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As I said in my last post, I struggle to express myself creatively sometimes. Part of that is because I fold in on myself, focusing so much on having to write something brilliant, that I paralyze myself with fear. (Two articles that totally inspire me to artistic endeavors are here and here.) That being said, I find that in my most honest moments with God, I find my voice creatively and I like most the things I just say to God.

gasping struggle

pen on page

just tell me who I am

I know I've heard the words

so often before

but say them slow

and soft again for me

because I like the way

Your voice is tender on my soul

I like Your fortitude

in my wobbling

I like the way this peace

hides me like a curtain

in a place of honesty and rest

a place for God and sinner

Short post tonight, but I hope every artist who reads this takes hope. Your art matters. Even if your book doesn't become a best-seller or your pictures don't make it into a magazine, you can and will affect someone.

R<3

Listening to Keith Green - Make My Life A Prayer To You

Dreamer, Breathe

2011-08-07T17:55:00.000-07:00

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Just finished watching Amazing Grace. That movie makes me want to do something that matters. I want to dream big dreams and attempt things that everyone says are idiotic. I want to fight evil and darkness and spread the Light that is dawning.

My spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm two people. One wants so badly to dream and do and be and the other is dragging, hindering, depressing me, squashing the Dreamer inside. You wouldn't think being a dreamer would be so hard. It scares me to death. Maybe it's a good death. Maybe the thing dying is my suffocating fear. I want to take wild risks more than I want to be safe.

Tonight, I'm fighting to let the Dreamer breathe.

R<3

We're Going To Start Off With "Bye!'

2011-08-04T12:48:00.000-07:00

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Prepare for a lovely, jumbled post. :)

School

gives me a valid excuse to chain listen to David Cook and House of Heroes songs
adds some much needed stress to my life (I kid, I kid)
kills my social life (sorry bible study group...)
excuses me to soak up some good ol' vitamin D while reading textbooks
helps me stay huuuuuuumble... 'cause at one point, I thought I was a proficient writer...
best of all - creates reasons for me to bullet-point in a post - OH JOY

Well, that's all for school talk. I suspect it bores you to hear about it as much as it bores me to do it. *scandalous*

My family was leaving for a day-cation and my clever sis wrote me this note.

We the people, to Ruthiey,

we're going to start off with "Bye!"

"We love you," for the middle. :)

and in closing; "See you soon!" Love, Esther

It still makes me smile.

I also wanted to share this piece from Spurgeon. I promise you, when I meet him in heaven, I'm going to give Spurgeon a big ol' hug. He struggled with gout and depression and had very difficult times in his ministry as a pastor and his everyday life (his wife was very sick), but he pressed on. Because he saw the big picture, he faithfully wrote a lot of beautiful things that have blessed, encouraged and convicted me, not to mention all the other people in times past. That being said, if you ever get a chance to read Spurgeon, take it. It is worth it.

I like him because he uses metaphors and since I liveandbreathe metaphors, he's right up my alley. :D Some writers from past time periods are hard to read, like... taking it three pages at a time is still mind-explosive and you have to re-read five times - Spurgeon is not like that. He's a clear and passionate writer. This is from his little book We Endeavour.

There is far too much teaching, nowadays, that will not comfort a mouse. You might hear it to all eternity and never be relieved of a single ounce of the burden of life. You might come in and out of the house of God and you might perhaps say, "Yes, it is very pretty." but what is that to a man who has the burden of life to carry and the battle of life to fight?

But when you hear the glorious gospel of the blessed God, it lifts you up out of your discouragements and makes you say, after all, "It is worthwhile to live, it is worthwhile to suffer, it is worthwhile to press forward; for we will see the great love the Lord has towards us and what good things He has laid up in store for them that love him." The Word of the Lord is like a fire, for it warms and comforts the hearts of his people.

Pray that blessed you like it did me! Anyone else excited for Friday tomorrow?!

R<3

Listening to House Of Heroes - Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da

thankful for -

508 emails from my babysitting kids

509 biking on fresh blacktop

510 discovering I like country music

511 school calenders

512 a hot day with cool breeze in the shade

513 waking up in a good mood

514 that little time between getting into bed and sleeping when I tell God things

515 getting my shift covered so I can go to a friend's wedding

516 pool hair

517 the way my mum calls my little sister 'babycakes'

518 beautiful earrings from Bialy

519 confessions, herbing and fly soup with Vicki

520 Jak having a safe motorcycle ride

In Which I Do Not Play The Part Of A Lady

2011-08-01T18:26:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the great comments on my last post. I appreciate you guys so much!

In further news, I refused a gentleman who offered to help me today. I'm torn between being amused and aghast at myself. It couldn't be helped. I really wanted to bike home in the rain.

My full-on assault of the puddles made my purple striped socks squelchy in my shoes and I couldn't help laughing. When the thunder rumbled in response, it sounded like God was laughing too. He delights in the wild beauty he creates, the extremes of water hanging in the air and then falling down all over the surprised people and grass. I asked God to do it again. I watched the lightning blink shaky and purple across the sky.

That being said, I still feel a little bad. I know it's not ladylike to refuse a gentleman's offer of help. Should I have accepted?

R<3

Pick Your Spot

2011-07-30T16:33:00.000-07:00

Ever thought about how loving people puts your heart in a really, really vulnerable place? I haven't thought about this often, but it's not called 'opening your heart' for nothing. Yesterday, someone close to me did and said something seemingly little that hurt me enormously. I had to struggle to put it into perspective and not react in my blind hurt. Because that person is so close to me, they have the ability to affect me like that. I wrote a poem about it just now.

here, here's my heart

I opened up my chest

go ahead, pick your spot

and remember it

when you tear me apart

because that staked-out

bit of my heart is

with you, for you

*********

Guest posting over at Vicki's blog today! I miss her and Erin lots! They're off on a missions trip and hopefully coming back soon. :)

Check out this amazing blog. Miss Elaini is wearing the same dress everyday for 100 days to raise money for orphans in India. She's almost done - onto her 92 day tomorrow and still needs to meet her goal. (And yes, I'm sure she washes the dress... that bothered me for a little while too :D).

R<3

Listening to OneRepublic - All This Time

(I cannot seem to get enough of this band! Aghhh, love them!) (photocredit)

Frivolity

2011-07-28T10:32:00.000-07:00

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Hi folks!

I'm at my bagel shop again, drinking coffee and trying so hard to write my papers! They're like an avalanche that keeps sliding slow-mo on top of me. How unromantic would it be to die from suffocation and paper cuts? I'm taking a lil five-minute break to be frivolous, 'cause I hear it's good for the brain. My brain sure could use a break.

The coffee here is taayh-stee good. Generally, I fill my cup with mostly decaf and then add a bit of flavored stuff on top. I've had Wild Mountain Blueberry and Hazelnut Cream thus far and hmm, yummy.

My paper - oh I'm afraid I'll kill you with boredom - is about the invention of the telegraph. Yes. Truly. Don't get me wrong. The telegraph is amazing, but I also found out it was partly to blame for the rest of the mass media fiasco that's happening today. (I say fiasco because partly it's an epic word and partly because I am being drowned in social media lately. d.r.o.w.n.e.d.) So, yeah. The telegraph. Dot-dot-dash.

My five minutes are up. Lemme find a quick picture for up top and then I'll get back to writing my paper. Anyone else feel like there's too much social media?

R <3

Listening to Celtic Thunder - Come By The Hills (this song makes me feel Ireland-wistful....)

Now, Be Honest

2011-07-26T18:32:00.000-07:00

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Have you ever...

Set your alarm for 3:20 am just so you could wake up and enjoy the feeling of going back to bed all over again?

Found some jewelry that was totally, completely suited for you?

Compulsively booked-marked two recipes you probably won't make any time soon?

Cooked with eggplant? That was a first for me today. The texture is... odd. I think I'll leave it at that.

Written a sentence that was complete nonsense but you liked it a little so you figured out a way to subtly include it in your blog post? (I'm full-steam ahead, folks, using forks to try and separate the white from the yoke.) I've never done that.

Avoided checking your voicemail for hours on end? And ended up regretting it a lot?

Felt that your thoughts are about as colorless as milk and you could only copy other people's words? (Good thing they're good words.)

Faint not, nor fear, His arms are near

He changeth not, and thou art dear

-Spurgeon

R<3

Listening to Tangled - I See The Light

The Many Faces Of The Prince and Princess

2011-07-21T17:32:00.000-07:00

I love these kids more than peanut butter loves jelly. They're adorable and growing so fast and... they even let me take a nap while I was there today. The Prince goes, "I think I'll just sleep for a little bit." And I said, "Can I just join you?" They still love me, even when I have no energy.

R<3

Listening to Taylor Swift - Back To December

A/C Reality

2011-07-19T18:10:00.000-07:00

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dreams and reality

meet occasionally

at stoplights,

say 'hi' as they wait

for the signal, then

go their separate ways

you determine which

one you follow,

home

-brian miller at waystationone

***

Not much to say tonight, but I love that poem and the picture reminds me of Owl City, which always makes me happy. I have very little to say besides, I'm living in a TROPICAL CLIMATE. It's so humid here that I have never sweat so much in my life. Helps that our A/C is in disrepair.

I keep thinking, rather ironically about this hymn. Am I soldier of the cross, a follower of the Lamb... and must I be carried to the skies, on flowery beds of ease, while others fought to win the prize and sailed through bloody seas? If broken A/C is the trial I'm called to right now, then so be it. I'll try not to use the heat as an excuse to bite my sibling's heads off.

R<3

thankful for -

496 a present of fresh bread and bananas from our neighbor

497 orange tiger lilies in the morning sun

498 hugs from my oldest brother Daviey

499 waiting to go to brunch with Courtney

500 a haze-blue sky above quiet trees

501 a well-received risk

502 examples of humility

503 beginning a new journal

504 people who keep me grounded when I'm flustered emotionally

505 how pets understand when you're sad and try to comfort you

506 slowly learning that it's okay to be a slow learner

507 pineapple-blueberry fruit medley

How To Tell A Story (Without Bullet Points)

2011-07-18T17:34:00.000-07:00

The day comes like an army, heat their spears and arrows and I sit in the bathroom, honey-sticky sweat on my skin, googling "telling a story" with my toothbrush absently in my mouth. A few weeks ago, I scribbled a goal.

Learn how to slow down and tell a story.

I guess in this hurried business of life, I just forgot. Since this heat lends itself well to sitting, here I sit. I wanted to write a post with bullet points, because they are fabulous, but in my brain, I have only loosely aligned bullet points and they wouldn't do much more than punctuate the page. Instead, I will tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there was my mother. She was not my mother at the time because she was young. In the midst of her youngness, she wanted a fabulous career, to become a writer and to say great and wonderful things to the people at large.

Instead she met a man who wanted to change her mind and marry her and thereby change her direction. With some amount of hesitation (an agreement and a broken engagement), she stopped, listened for God's voice and then followed this man. Over the course of twelve years, this man and woman had become father and mother to eight small children.

My mother found that she was called to have a quiet but equally as important career as a mother, that she would write, but not words in a best seller. She was called to write with invisible ink of the souls of her children, to live truth and love, to speak of great and wonderful things to the people closest to her. (She blogs here.)

Wow, God, I like the way you work.

R<3

Listening to Fair - Monday

Surviving The Torture Room

2011-07-14T17:17:00.000-07:00

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Sometimes school feels like drawn-out torture. But then I realize, it's a test of character. Am I going to face-up to it and take on the challenge? Or am I going to let it reduce me to a sodden pile of emotions? Something to think about.

(Yes, it is melodramatic of me to call school a Torture Room. I truly am thankful for the opportunity to get an education.)

I'm linking to some great stuff I've read lately:

How To Reject (And How NOT To Reject) A Man - Preston on Ally's blog

Fifteen - Vicki

Can't Go By The Feeling - Alyssa Ann

Surrender - Chels

I want to learn to rise to a challenge. When I struggle on, I show the Strength that is not from within me.

R<3

Listening to OneRepublic - Mercy

Love People. Make Them Tasty Food.

2011-07-12T17:01:00.000-07:00

I love the people in my life. I also love food. I have found a genius way to combine these loves that explodes in an tremendous display of joy. It all started with a bumper sticker.

Love People. Make Them Tasty Food.

(The period is important. We're not making people into tasty food - we're making tasty food for people.)

Because I was invited to a lovely dinner party last night, I made a very naughty and tasty dip that I found on Katie's lovely blog. It's called Blondie Batter Dip, but we called it Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Dip. Somehow, I don't think she'd mind. ;) I added some of my own touches like, molasses and instant coffee which help it develop a deep carmel flavor. Here's the fun part, though. Pairing it with fresh fruit, Jak and I refused to tell everyone what the "secret ingredient" was until they'd all tasted it. They all loved it and couldn't guess that it was chick peas! We finally told them.

I love these people. Therefore I make them tasty food.

And then this morning, I made more tasty food. I made Barefoot Contessa's Mac and Cheese. It's delicious, hot and cheesy, with nutmeg and tomatoes! I don't know about you, but fresh tomatoes in pasta dishes make me swoooooon. Guess which peoples got this tasty food?
Yes, my family! They are back! I made them breakfast because they'd been driving all night. Yay! I'm so glad the house is busy and noisy again.

R<3

Listening to Relient K - Devastation and Reform

Brimming With Beautiful

2011-07-11T13:39:00.000-07:00

I have seen things that are beautiful today. I want to share a couple.

First off, Kate Middleton (or the Duchess of Cambridge). Yes, I know everyone is talking about her and her outfits on her trip to Canada, but seriously - she is changing the fashion world. I love how effortless her style is. She rocks formal and looks absolutely scrumptious in jeans and boots. I just want to BE her.

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McQueen coat. Seriously?? Seriously? I want to have that. How great does that look? She's understated and beautiful.

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And this? So classy. Dennis Prager said everyone should be a class act. I think Kate does a pretty legit job at that (most of the time). Thank you, Kate. You give me reason to hope in the fashion world.

Second thing is this song. The song itself is a masterpiece. I chain-listened to the original about two years ago so it's engrained in my brain, but when I heard Jason Wade from Lifehouse sing it there wasn't really a comparison. I went shopping at Target after it and I kept singing lines, lyrics and the chorus (okay mostly the chorus) over and over.

Okay, enough gushing for one night? I think so. Have you seen anything lately that made you smile? I'd love to hear it.

R<3

I Blame Lolcatz

2011-07-08T11:45:00.000-07:00

In the middle of writing a paper for my Managerial Communications online course, I find myself literally typing the word skills with a z, without thinking about it. In a sentence,

"Effective communication also encourages the direct care staff to develop their intrapersonal skillz."

Yeah absolutely, Professor S., I'm an accomplished, professional homeschool graduate. Even though I'm only nineteen, I can be just as mature and polished as all the adult learners in your class. This is just my little attempt to keep up the good name we homeschoolers have with the entire world.

What can I say?

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R<3

Listening to David Cook - Come Back To Me

If Laura Ingalls Wilder Went Steam-Punk

2011-07-06T11:08:00.000-07:00

Fashion post! I actually bought this outfit just this morning.

This is one of the reasons I love thrift shopping.

Jeans - 6.99$

T-shirt - 3.99$ (this shirt just made me smile)

Boots - 1.49$

Total outfit costs - 12.47$

That's what I'm talking about! Whoohoo!!

Gina, these boots made me think of you and your steam-punk obsession. They have this terrific vibe of Laura Ingalls Wilder and steam-punk all at once, don't you think?

My hairstyle was inspired by this video... but I still had to use bobby pins. Story of my life. :)

The pink tiger lilies in the backyard are in breath-taking bloom. I love the tender notes of color and the sharp pink teeth on the smooth petal surface. I keep thinking (paraphrased from Luke),

Consider the lilies, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. If God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, oh you of little faith? ...do not be worried. Your Father knows what you need. Instead, seek his kingdom and all these things will be added to you.

Pray you have a beautiful Wednesday seeking God's kingdom,

R<3

Listening to Givers - Up, Up, Up